>> december, 2007

>> December 2, 2007

DIVORCE AND CHILDREN: PARENTS SPEAK OUT

Divorce does not have to be devastating to children. Here are some examples from experienced parents for creating a minimum-impact divorce for children:
“When you choose to criticize your ex-spouse in front of your child, you are criticizing half of your child’s DNA.”

“I have heard many parents say that they would do anything for their kids. A minimum-impact divorce is one of the most far-reaching ways to prove it.”

“Parents should never use their children as weapons in a divorce. The kids have a right to believe that both of their parents are the best in the world, no matter what the truth is.”

“My ex-husband gave my new husband the green light when he told the kids that having more people in their lives to love them is always a good thing.”

“I reminded my ex-husband that I needed his help to raise these beautiful beings that we had created together.”

“Just because we could not be married does not mean our daughter has to suffer. The child is always the innocent victim in all of this. Try to put yourself in your child’s shoes and imagine what she must be feeling.”

“Children frequently hope that their parents will get back together. Don’t expect your children to get excited for you when you start dating.”

For more tips on creating a minimum-impact divorce for children, go to www.kidtips.com. If you have a divorce tip of your own, please send it to me. Thanks to the parents who shared one of their favorite tips with us this week.

MINIMUM-IMPACT DIVORCE
When my husband and I decided to get a divorce 22 years ago, we both hired lawyers and started to deal. After a short time of arguing (mostly with our lawyers), we realized that the most important thing to both of us was our three sons. The divorce was going to be hard enough on them without tension between the two of us. So we decided to do the divorce our way, with a solution that benefited all of us. My husband moved only a few blocks away so that the boys could ride their bikes to see him anytime.
My ex-husband and I are now close friends and spend all the holidays together. He has a significant other who is part of the family, and all is well. Our divorce worked because we put the needs and happiness of our children BEFORE our own. One of my sons said to me not long ago, “Mom, sometimes I forget that you and Dad are divorced.” This comment reminded me that if this divorce had to happen, it was at least done right.
-- S.K., Hayward, Calif.

“IT’S HAPPY NAPPY TIME”
My adult children have told me that they liked the nap time when they were little because I called it “Happy Nappy Time.” I did not say that they had to take a nap. I simply said, “It’s Happy Nappy Time.” This positive approach worked well.
-- Joy M., Siren, Wis.

CHILDREN GET THEIR OWN CHRISTMAS TREE
Children naturally are attracted to a Christmas tree with beautiful ornaments, bright lights and colorful packages. To protect the family Christmas tree from being dismantled by little hands, I buy my smaller children a little tree that they can decorate and play with. They have their own little ornaments, and they enjoy taking them off and putting them back on all through the month. For safety's sake, do not use anything electrical, breakable or small enough for a child to swallow.
-- M.H., Fountain Valley, Calif.

“THE TIMER SAID YOU MUST GO HOME NOW”
When the neighbor children come over to play, they usually give me a message — “I can stay for an hour.” I set my stove timer, and then when it is time to go home, I say, “The timer said you must go home now.” It has saved many arguments because a child can’t plead with a timer.
-- Patti P.H., Omaha, Neb.

TASTY PASTA
For children who like their pasta plain, drop a bouillon cube into the water as it’s boiling to give the pasta some extra flavor. My kids love it!
-- B.T., Portland, Ore.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2007 TomMcMahon

>> December 9, 2007

`TIS THE SEASON FOR ASTHMA

The number of children with asthma continues to rise; it is now considered the most common cause of childhood hospitalization and school absences — an estimated 14 million lost school days. With the arrival of winter, the estimated 6 million children who suffer from asthma face numerous triggers of the disease.

Breathing in cold winter air can provoke asthma symptoms, as can the increase in viruses and upper-respiratory infections this time of year. However, what most people don’t know is that there are a host of indoor irritants that can bring on symptoms as well, such as dust, mold and mildew that accumulate on holiday decorations during storage, fireplace fumes and scented candles or potpourri.

Here are some tips from Dr. Derek K. Johnson, pediatric allergy and immunology specialist in Fairfax, Va:
--Cover your child’s nose and mouth when he or she is outside.
--Avoid using spray-on snow inside the house.
--Keep the glass doors on fireplaces closed so it will limit smoke escaping into the room.
--If traveling, pack your child’s own hypo-allergenic pillow.
--If you are traveling by plane, keep your child’s asthma medicines and devices in your carry-on bag. Always carry written prescriptions for all liquid medications, as required by the Transportation Security Administration (TSA).

Thanks to the parents and grandparents who shared their parenting gems with us this week.

EMOTIONAL STRESS AND ASTHMA
My young-adult daughter has had asthma most of her life. Some of her worst asthma attacks were triggered by emotional stress. The most recent episode involved a dogfight that caused her dog’s death. Immediately, my daughter had difficulty breathing. We rushed her to the hospital for treatment. During these emotion-causing asthma attacks, it’s important for the parents to remain calm so the child will relax. The more anxious you are, the more upset the child will be. When my daughter was younger, I used to read her stories to help her relax as the medication took effect.
-- Deb Cogan, Spokane, Wash.

A CHRISTMAS TRADITION
Every Christmas season I used to buy each of my children an ornament for the Christmas tree that reflected a current interest. It would be a fad or cartoon character, a sports item or a hobby replica, such as a book or knitting needles. When they got married, I gave each of them their collection of more than 20 ornaments to decorate their own tree. Now, as they decorate their own tree each year, they will be reminded of a time in their childhood, which they can share with their new families.
-- Judy S., Binghamton, N.Y.

"TIME OUT, I'M FEELING TERRIBLE"
When the going gets rough between me and my teen daughter, I simply say, "Time out, I'm feeling terrible about how we're getting along. How about you?" That gives my daughter permission to express her feelings about our relationship. We usually end up in a deep conversation and with a better appreciation of each other.
-- S.J., Detroit, Mich.

LOOKING FOR LONG ANSWERS
Try to ask your children questions that cannot be answered with “yes” or “no.” This gives children a chance to express themselves and encourages them to speak in complete sentences. Development of oral language is a great beginning of self-expression.
-- L.S.J., Fremont, Calif.

REDEEMABLE COUPONS FOR KIDS
Once a year I buy two little spiral note pads (one for each of my children) and fill out each page as a coupon (get out of doing dishes, stay overnight with a friend, make my bed, clean my room, etc.) for them to redeem from me throughout the year. They loved the book so much they wanted one each year until they were grown.
-- Carol Kirkpatrick, Jamestown, N.Y.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2007 TomMcMahon

>> December 16, 2007

MAKING THE HOLIDAYS EASIER AND MORE ENJOYABLE

Here are a few of my musings and observations about children, parents and the holidays: 1.Fad toys hyped on television quickly gather dust. 2.Fewer holiday activities are better than too many. 3.To a 2-year-old, Santa IS a scary dude. 4.Make some family traditions mandatory, even for a teen. 5.For gift ideas, spend an hour watching your child play with toys at a large toy store (for teens, go to their version of a toy store). 6.Have your child pick out a toy for a less fortunate child in your community. Let him carry it into the charity of your choice. 7.Shop the Internet while lounging in your pajamas. Some online sites offer gift-wrapping. 8.Instead of gift tags for presents, use a different wrapping paper for each young child. 9.Add one or two memorable ornaments each year. 10.Focus on what makes the holidays meaningful for you. 11.Take naps whenever possible.

Our first tip below is from a couple in their 60s. They remind us this holiday season that the simple things in life offer the best memories. Happy holidays!

MEMORIES OF CHILDHOOD AND ADOLESCENCE
My husband and I are in our 60s now, and our three boys have families of their own. Our most vivid memories of our own childhood and of our own boys when they were younger are of times spent together — parents and children — doing simple things like playing games and ball, fishing and hunting. Our best memories don't involve activities that required money. So, you don't need money to enjoy the simple things in life with your children. They will remember most of all what you did with them.
-- Karen L., Holdrege, Nebraska

KEEPING MOM’S CLOTHES CLEAN
After I get dressed for work in the morning, I slip on an old, loose shirt that covers most of my clothes. This helps protect my work clothes from spit-ups from my baby and other hazards of getting little ones out the door in the morning.
-- L. Dames, Redwood City, Calif.

OBEY US WITHOUT ARGUING OR COMPLAINING
The best parenting tip my wife and I ever received was to train our seven children to obey us the first time we told them something, without arguing or complaining. In order to be able to expect obedience, we had to (1) Make the instruction age-appropriate. (2) Make it clear and doable. (3) Not accept arguments, complaints or backtalk and (4) Insist that the job was done as we expected, and if not, insist that the job was redone. We were told to begin this training as soon as the children could understand requests. Doing this has saved us headaches and trouble. We haven’t fully succeeded, but there is peace in our home, and our four teenagers are delightful young adults and a pleasure to have in our home. Far from being authoritarian, this training has produced strong and respectful kids.
-- David Reber, Las Cruces, N.M.

“NOW YOU HAVE TO REBUILD OUR TRUST”
My husband and I felt that it was important for our teenagers to realize that they would have more freedom and opportunities if they maintained a relationship with us based on trust. If they violated our family rules, we restricted their freedoms until their trust could be rebuilt.
-- J.R., Kimberly, Idaho

CRESCENT ROLL HOT DOGS
For a fun snack or lunch, wrap a crescent roll around a hot dog and bake according to the directions on the crescent-roll package. Children and teens will love them.
-- F.M.D., Provo, Utah

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2007 TomMcMahon

>> December 23, 2007

IS YOUR CHILD’S CUP HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY?

It pays to be an optimist, someone who has a positive outlook on life. Optimists tend to be healthier, happier, live longer, achieve more, have less stress and better emotional health than their counterparts — the pessimists, who add a negative twist to common life events.

After a decade of research on this subject, psychologists claim that pessimistic children can learn to be optimists — the younger, the better. Older children and teens can become entrenched in their negative thinking, making the switch more challenging.

Here are five strategies to promote optimistic thinking:
--Negative thoughts lead to negative feelings and bad moods. Ask your child, “What were you thinking about before you had the bad mood?”
--Help your child focus on his or her successes. Point out all the positives that were involved.
--Guide your child to see the bright side of life. Help him or her see the silver-lining, even in negative things.
--Be an optimistic role model for your children. Share your thoughts.
--Encourage simple things that your child can succeed in.

Thanks to the parents and grandparents who shared a kid tip with us this week.

LET KIDS OVERHEAR POSITIVE COMMENTS
Occasionally, when my son is in earshot while I'm talking to a friend or relative on the phone, I'll say something positive about him. I can tell that he is proud of hearing me talk so positively about him. This works especially well when he's down in the dumps or low on confidence. I believe that every little comment helps. -- S.E., Newark, Calif.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION/ITEMS FOR SITTER AND DAY CARE
On a 5-by-7 notecard, I clearly wrote my name and my husband’s name and all of our important phone numbers (home, work, cell phones, doctor, dentist, poison control, hospital, etc.), then laminated it. I punched a hole in one corner of the card, pulled a thick string through and then attached it to the handle of my child’s diaper bag. Inside the bag, I had the regular assortment of diapering items, plus a small, baby-proof first-aid kit which included an assortment of adhesive strips and a thermometer. I always left the bag at my child’s day care and at our home with a baby-sitter.
-- F.W.H., Kenosha, Wis.

A GIFT OF CHILDHOOD ART
I saved most of my children’s art masterpieces from their early years. When they became parents themselves for the first time, I gave the artwork back to them as a present. I framed some of the larger pieces and made a framed collage with the smaller ones. They loved it!
-- Joan, Bethesda, Md.

SAFE CLOSET BAR FOR CHILDREN
You can buy an inexpensive, portable closet bar that hangs on hooks from the installed bar, so kids can hang up their clothing on the lower bar. When they are older, they can hang shorter items on both the upper and lower bars. These bars are readily available at stores like Walmart (Closest Doubler, $8), Ace and Home Depot. They pose no danger of strangulation and are useful for adults as well as kids.
-- Holly Harwood, Richmond, Calif.

BATHROOM ETIQUETTE FOR BOYS
In your column I read the tip that recommended putting a night light in the bathrooms used by boys to improve their aim during a sleepy late-night visit to the toilet. I have another solution: When my son was 9, I noticed a bad smell in the bathroom. He had urinated all over the toilet and on the rug next to it. When confronted with this evidence, he admitted to closing his eyes when he urinated during the middle of the night. Together we cleaned the bathroom, and then I said, “Boy, if you don’t start opening your eyes while you use the toilet, you will be scrubbing this toilet and washing the rugs every Saturday.” The threat was an “eye-opener,” if you know what I mean!
-- Pat M., Springdale, Ark.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2007 TomMcMahon

>> December 30, 2007

PARENTING REFLECTIONS FOR A NEW YEAR

It has been a great year for my family. My daughters have been launched into adulthood, and my wife is delighted with her decision to switch from attorney to second-grade teacher. And I can’t wait to get into the classroom each morning after 30 years at the same college.

With the new year comes reflection, especially on our families. It’s a time to count our blessings, to remind ourselves that there is no such thing as a perfect parent, and to focus on a parenting plan for the new year.

How did things fare with your family this past year? Did your parenting strategies achieve the outcomes you desired? Is there a good overall balance in your family, or does some aspect seem out of whack? Listen to your own voice — your intuition. No one knows your family better than you do. Above all, do not ignore behaviors that could be a sign of concern or a bigger issue.

For most of us, a slight tweak here and there will put the ship back on course. For some, a new parenting plan might be in order. After all, we as parents are constantly reinventing ourselves to accommodate each new stage of development that our children and we go through.

Thanks to all of you who sent in your favorite kid tips this year. Happy New Year!

RESOLUTIONS FOR NEW SCHOOL YEAR
To keep calm and stay organized during the school year, I have three strategies: 1. I check my younger kid’s backpacks each evening for school notices and notes from the teachers. (Last year my son delivered a note from his teacher three weeks after it was written.) 2. I keep a separate calendar for school events, homework deadlines, projects and other important dates. 3. Before the kids go to bed each evening, their backpacks must be packed with homework, signed papers, completed projects and school supplies. (I hope for no hysterical episodes—from me or my children—looking for lost papers as the bus honks outside.)
-- D.R., Lakewood, Col.

INSIDE AND OUTSIDE VOICE
You can explain to quite young children that we all have an inside voice and an outside voice, and demonstrate them. Then, when the kids are too loud, just remind them that they need to use their inside voice.
-- Linda L., Orinda, Calif

CHOICE OF CHORES
When our daughter was a teenager, I quickly learned that she would respond more positively to household chores if I let her choose (within reason) which chores she would be responsible for and when she would complete those chores. -- Teresa Dulburg, Hayward, Calif.

TRY THESE “EXPENSIVE” VEGGIES
When my children were young, I would cook broccoli, asparagus and other assorted veggies. To entice them to try a new veggie, I would place the veggies on the table and then tell the kids that I bought only a small amount because it was very expensive. Only Dad and I would eat it. Then, within the next few days, I would cook it again and remind them how expensive the veggies were, but this time I offered them a small bite. Before you knew it, they were asking me to cook the expensive food for them. We now have three grown children that love to eat veggies.
-- Mary Kittelson, Palouse, Wash.

BREATHING STRATEGY EASES PAIN
A painful shot or medical procedure might be more tolerable for young children if you teach them a simple blowing technique, similar to what many moms like myself learned in Lamaze childbirth classes. Teach them to take a deep breath just before getting an injection, then to blow out the air in rapid puffs during the shot.
-- N. Bennett, Walnut Creek, Calif.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2007 TomMcMahon