>> july, 2007

>> July 1, 2007

A GENERATION OF ENTITLED KIDS

Have you noticed the growing trend of children and teens that believe the world owes them something? They feel entitled to the good life, preferably without any effort on their part. The recipe that leads to this self-centered attitude in children usually contains a guilt-ridden parent or two and a child who watches an average of 40,000 slick commercials each year. The children want. The parents give. The parents feel less guilty.

Here is one common scenario: Many parents—especially mothers--feel guilty for working long hours away from home. Some try to make it up to their children by doing and buying more and expecting less from them. Before long, they become indulgent, permissive parents; they cannot say “no” to their children. The children become self-centered and demanding. The term “spoiled brat” comes to mind. Permissive parenting seldom has a positive outcome for children.

If this issue resonates with your family, refocus your efforts by promoting what is important in life: family and friends, the values of compassion and honesty, helping others (have them volunteer for the sick or needy), religious beliefs, working toward an important goal, etc. Assign household chores. Listen carefully when they talk. Remember, they need your love, boundaries and discipline more than the things you can give them.

The first contributor below has an additional tip on this subject. Thanks to the readers who sent in a kid tip this week.

FOCUS ON A VISION FOR YOUR CHILDREN
Think of the qualities you hope your child will have when she enters adulthood. If you focus on this vision as you make decisions pertaining to your child, the vision will probably come true. I call it “tunnel vision,” and I have found it to be a gift in raising my three children.
-- Barbara B., Clinton Township, Mich.

TRAVELING BABY MONITOR
A baby monitor can be just as useful on the go as it is at home. It can be used for overnight visits to a relative's home or for naps at a hotel. On a recent trip to Hawaii, my husband and I placed the microphone next to our baby's crib in our two-room hotel so we could monitor her naps while we sat and talked on our hotel room balcony. We took the monitor's receiver with us on the balcony. Even with the sliding door shut to reduce the noise in the room, we could hear any noise she made.
-- I.B., Portland, Oregon

JOIN YOUR CHILD IN A TANTRUM
The next time your child has a temper tantrum, join in on the fun. Mimic your child so he can see how silly his rants and raves look to others. Stamp your feet, act as if you’re crying, pound the walls, etc. Your child will probably be so amazed by your antics that he will stop to watch you. After watching your act a few times, he might acquire other ways to deal with his temper.
-- Thomas C., Livermore, Calif.
Note: I tried this with one of my daughters many years ago. My wife was quite entertained! (T.M.)

INVITE ANOTHER FAMILY ALONG
When our children were teenagers, we used to go on vacation with another family who also had teenagers. Our teens had companions to hang out with, and my husband and I enjoyed the company of the other parents. Occasionally, one set of parents would stay with the teens while the other went out for the evening. Whether it was camping, renting a houseboat or going on a short cruise, we all had a great time.
-- I.L.T., Spokane, Wash.

NO HANDS FREE FOR SHOPPING SPREE
When you are going shopping and don’t want your child touching anything in the store, make sure he takes his stuffed animal or favorite toy along. If he has something in both hands, he can’t pick up anything in the store.
-- L. Williams, Highland Heights, Ky.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2007 TomMcMahon

>> July 8, 2007

WHO’S RUNNING THE SHOW? KIDS OR PARENTS?

A mom raised her hand during a parenting seminar and asked, “Should I be concerned if my 15-year-old daughter won’t allow me in her bedroom?”

“How does she keep you out?” I replied.

“She locks the door.” Then, with her eyes fixed on the floor, she added, “She installed a lock on her door.”

“How long ago,” I asked.

“Almost a year ago.” A chorus of slightly muted giggles floated through the room.

This is a blatant example of a kid running the family, and it’s happening more each year. Today, it’s common to hear a parent say, “My kids won’t mind me” or “He won’t do his chores.” The teen girl with the deadbolt on her door probably had a favorite scream for her parents: “You can’t make me!” Parents have to step up to the plate with firm guidelines if they hope to regain control of their children.

My advice is: 1) Remove the lock after she leaves her room. This will allow you to thoroughly search her room. You will probably discover the reason for her secrecy. 2) Remove her bedroom door. She has to earn her privacy. In the meantime, she can change in the bathroom. 3) Remove all of her electronic play toys (TV, computer, video games, etc.) from her bedroom. Put them in a public room. 4) STOP BEING A WIMPY PARENT! Explain to your teen that she will be held accountable for her actions, and that you and your husband are now in charge of the household.

Thanks to the readers of this column for this week’s kid tips.

DON'T IGNORE PROBLEMS
All families have problems, even those that don't appear to. If your teenager encounters a problem, whether it's drugs or alcohol, trouble with the law or poor performance at school, don't think that you are the only parent to experience this. You aren't. The worst thing that you can do is ignore it and hope that it will go away. It probably won't. Confront it now before it gets worse. And never be afraid to seek outside help if you feel that you can't handle it yourself.
-- J.W., Spanish Fork, Utah

PHOTOS KEEP BABY BUSY IN KITCHEN
A good means of entertaining older babies (and helping to give them a sense of their identity and their place in the world) is photographs. We keep an envelope of less-than-perfect snapshots near our daughter's highchair for her to exclaim and giggle over after meals, thus affording us a few more minutes — sometimes many more minutes — to eat in peace.
-- M. Lawrence, Portland, Ore.

KITCHEN "BEACH TOYS"
The best beach toys can be found in your kitchen: colanders, basters, measuring cups and spoons, plastic containers, nonbreakable bowls, large wooden spoons, funnels, etc.
-- B.C., San Diego

LOLLIPOPS FOR TAKEOFF AND LANDING
On a recent flight, I had my young children suck on lollipops during takeoff and landing. It helped their ears adjust to the changing air pressure in the cabin.
-- V. Smith, Salt Lake City

KEEPING TRACK OF PUZZLE PIECES
When children play with jigsaw puzzles, have them put the pieces together on a large tray or poster board, or in a shallow cardboard box. If the puzzle takes days to complete, it can be moved for cleaning or taken to another table or room. After the puzzle is completed, ask your child to turn it upside down so the back side is facing up. Using a color marker, draw a line up and down the puzzle, making sure that you mark each piece. Then, using the same color marker, place a mark on the puzzle box so you will be able to identify a missing puzzle piece from a certain puzzle. Use a different color for each puzzle.
– E.K., Indianapolis

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2007 TomMcMahon

>> July 15, 2007

THERE’S MORE THAN ONE WAY TO COMMUNICATE WITH CHILDREN

Words take on a special importance when they are written down. “I didn’t realize how much it touched them,” writes a mom from Canton, Miss., after her adult daughters told her how much they had enjoyed receiving loving notes in their school lunchboxes. Many parents agree. These short but sweet notes can also be placed on your child’s nightstand, or better yet, sent in the mail.

There are times when a letter accomplishes more than talking. For example, in the midst of an argument with a teenager, when emotions are fragile and yelling prevails, back off and write a letter. A letter allows you to craft your words carefully so that they accurately reflect your feelings and desires. For the recipient, it offers time for the message to sink in before replying.

Some parents use e-mail to communicate with their teens when tensions escalate into yelling matches. A mom from Fremont, Calif., comments on her son’s response to her email: “It was gratifying to read these words from my son, which I know I would not be able to hear from him face to face. The e-mail message has opened our channel of communication a little wider.”

If you have a clever idea for promoting communication between parent and child, let me know. Thanks to the parents and grandparents who shared a kid tip this week.

A NOTE FROM MOM
My six-year-old son, Hayes, went on a field trip to the Sacramento Zoo. Normally he buys a school lunch, but for the field trip I made him a sack lunch. I wrote him a note and placed it on top of his sandwich, wondering if he would even notice. When I met him at the bus stop that afternoon, I asked him if he "got my note?” He said "Yeah.” Later that evening I opened his backpack to look at his schoolwork. All folded up and put in the little inside pocket was the note I sent in his sack lunch. I smiled to myself knowing that he ate lunch in the park that day and did not take his backpack on the field trip. I envisioned him folding the little note (about 6 times over I might add) and putting it in his pocket to save. Once back at school, he would have taken the note out of his pocket and put it in his backpack. Quite a lot of "special handling" from a note that barely got a “Yeah!” These little things are what parents remember, and it makes our job rewarding when many times it feels like a thankless endeavor.
-- Mary Letawsky-Holtz, Herald, Calif.

MEASURE THAT TABLE
I carry a small tape measure in my pocket in case my children get bored when we go out. They love to measure things in the doctor’s waiting room, at a restaurant, in stores, etc. It’s helped them learn numbers and fractions.
-- Beth W., Buffalo Grove, Ill.

AIR TRAVEL WITH YOUNG CHILDREN
I recently took a five-hour flight with my 2-year-old twin girls and found the following helpful: 1) Ask for middle and aisle seats for ease in getting in and out of seats. 2) Order a kids’ meal when you make the reservation. 3) Visit your local library and check out books about airplanes and airports. This will help your children get excited about the plane trip. 4) Visit your local dollar store and buy small toys, books, etc. that will keep your children busy on the flight. 5) Bring plenty of snacks and drinks. 6) Offer your children a meal before boarding the plane — they may not like the airline food. 7) If traveling with both parents, have one parent board early and secure the car seats while the other parent walks the children around the waiting area.
-- J. DeLong, Concord, Calif.

SLIPPERY SHOES
When you buy new shoes for your baby or young child, sandpaper the soles so they won’t be slippery.
-- J. Baker, Springfield, Mass.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2007 TomMcMahon

>>July 22, 2007

TRICKS OF THE TRADE THAT ENGAGE CHILDREN IMMEDIATELY

Some toddlers and young children take a long time to warm up to strangers and distant relatives. Since many of you will be traveling to friends’ and relatives’ homes this summer, I would like to teach you a little trick that engages children immediately. It works for kids who are shy and upset. It can turn a crying child into a giggle box. Even kids who have a strong dose of stranger anxiety will drop their guard.

Here’s what you do: Smile as you slowly walk toward the child with one arm extended, palm up, and saying, “Can you give me five?” The child will usually offer a lackluster slap to your hand, but at the last second you move your hand to the left or right and say, with a huge grin, “You missed!” The child will crack a tiny smile, now watching the moving target of your open palm go back and forth. She strikes again and again with lightening speed. The game is on. Of course, let the child win a few times, and switch roles so you can give her five. This game works for most children between the ages of 1 and 12 (and some 16-year-olds).

If you know of other engaging games for babies and young children, please send me an e-mail or leave me a voice mail. Our first contributor below recommends one of my favorites.

PEEKABOO
My baby’s favorite game is peekaboo. I know this isn’t an original tip; in fact, it’s probably been around for centuries. Nevertheless, I think that many new parents are not aware of it. Babies just love this game, and it’s so simple. A parent holds the baby so his chest rests against her shoulder. Another person suddenly pops up in front of the baby and says, “Peekaboo,” then dives for cover. The game continues from all angles as the baby cranes her neck to see where the person will pop up next. I’ve never seen babies laugh so hard.
-- J.O., Memphis, Tenn.
Note: This game — a true classic — can be enjoyed by babies over four-months-old.

OLDER SIBLINGS LEARN TO PROTECT BABY
Children who are 3 and older can be taught to look out for the safety of a younger sibling. Whenever they find something dangerous for a baby (a staple, piece of plastic, a tiny toy that could be swallowed, etc.) reward them with praise or a sticker. Do the same for dangerous situations (an unlatched safety lock, a gate that leads to the pool, etc.). Not only will this give you an extra eye on the baby, but your older children will have an invaluable awareness of potential dangers that could affect them, too.
-- Stephani Grant, Pleasanton, Calif.

TREASURE HUNT
When my 10-year-old daughter and her friend announced that they were bored, I suggested a treasure hunt. To help them get started, I sketched out a numerical list of directions to the treasure: 1) Stand on the third step of the stairs outside. A canoe paddle will point you in the right direction. 2) Take five steps from the paddle, then look under the largest rock. (where they would find a note with clue No. 3). I created an additional 10 clues which eventually brought them to the treasure (four quarters) under a large pine cone. They were elated!
-- D.H., Portland, Ore.

BABY SHOWER FUN
When guests arrived at our baby shower, we handed them some inexpensive Mardi Gras beads (available at party stores) to wear around their neck. We explained that if they heard someone say the word “baby,” they could ask for that person’s beads. The individual who was wearing the most beads at the end of the party received a prize.
-- Sue W., Dublin, Calif.

TEENS MAKE DINNER DURING SUMMER
During the summer months, my two teens are each required to prepare one or two family dinners per week. This includes planning a menu, shopping for the food (they do this together) and preparing the meal. I do the dishes on those evenings. Not only does it help me, but it helps teach them another important life skill.
-- N.L.K., Chicago

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2007 TomMcMahon

>> July 29, 2007

A PARTY NOISEMAKER CAN TAKE THE STING OUT OF SHOTS

According to the Mayo Clinic (www.mayoclinic.com), most babies and toddlers receive up to 20 shots by their second birthday, and kids with health conditions such as allergies, asthma or diabetes have far more. Some shots, particularly immunizations, cause minor, temporary side effects, such as a mild fever or sore arm. To minimize these effects, you can give your child acetaminophen (Tylenol and others) before or after a shot. Follow the label instructions for the correct dose.

For infants, bring a familiar and soothing object. Your baby's favorite stuffed animal or blanket will serve as a comforting distraction. Also, hold and talk to your child during a shot. Comfort your baby with hugs and caresses. Offer a pacifier or bottle.

For older children, have them take a deep breath, then blow it out during the injection. Some parents even provide a party noisemaker. Kids also can count aloud during the shot — you might say "By the time you count to five, the shot will likely be done." Tell them to squeeze your hand during the shot.

On a similar note, our first contributor below has a great idea for minimizing the pain of perhaps the most common childhood owie.

CLEANING A SMALL WOUND
As every parent knows, cleaning a child’s skinned knee or similar injury can be a painful proposition. To ease the pain, tell your child to bite hard into a small apple the moment you begin cleaning the wound. It really works.
-- Lisa R., Pleasanton, Calif.

TRAVEL FAIRY
To help entertain our two boys while on long vacations, the "Travel Fairy" visited our van every rest stop. Before we left, I purchased and wrapped several small gifts suitable for each child, then hid them under my car seat. At each stop, while my husband distracted the kids, I left a gift on each seat. The new Matchbox car, puzzle book, markers and paper, or whatever kept them busy for several miles. Even though our sons are too old to believe in the Travel Fairy now, they still enjoy playing the game when we are on vacation. Just remember to purchase enough gifts for the return trip!
-- Dawne P., Lafayette, In.

SAND CASTLE CONTEST FOR TEENS
If you live near a sandy beach, a great summer activity/party for teens or a competition between a few families is a sand-castle-building contest. You supply the equipment (shovels, putty knives, paintbrushes, plastic cups and bowls for molding sand, etc.), or ask everyone to bring their own.
-- N.P., Oakland

THOUGHTFUL CONVERSATION PROMOTES LEARNING
Engage your children in thoughtful conversation, and don’t put down their thinking, even if their conclusions don’t match your own. It takes time to develop a good brain.
-- Linda S., Garland, Texas

TRAVEL BOX
On long car trips I always include a special "travel box" for my 4-year-old. It is a shoe box that I have covered with bright paper (cover the lid and box separately). In it, I have placed coloring books, new crayons, sticker books, markers, and a few favorite toys. I also prepare a grab bag of new items, which I keep with me and bring out only when my daughter gets restless. The flea market and garage sales are a great place to pick up items in good condition for a fraction of the cost. -- Stacey L., San Diego

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2007 TomMcMahon