>> October, 2007

>> October 7, 2007

THE NEST IS BARE, THE HOUSE IS QUIET

I have been an empty-nester for almost two weeks now. To prove it, I have receipts from last weekend’s trip to Las Vegas with my wife.

Our younger daughter has begun her college career at a university 300 miles from home and our older daughter, a recent college grad, just moved 5,500 miles away to teach English in a foreign country for a year. The nest is bare.

The house is quieter. The phone seldom rings. There’s less drama in our lives, and we now eat dinner while watching television. Our three-year-old Labrador retriever is taking it the worst; he mopes from chair to rug, wondering what happened to his “sisters.” He has all the symptoms of depression. After finding him sitting outside our daughters’ closed bedroom doors, we invited him to sleep on our bed; now no one gets a restful night of sleep.

We encourage and respect our daughters’ newfound independence. We don’t call or write excessively, but when we do connect, we hang on to every word of every phone conversation and email from our girls. I think they do too. Thankfully, we live in a world where it is easy to stay connected.
One of the key benefits of this transitional empty-nester stage is that all four of us appreciate each other more than we did before. It’s really an exciting and wonderful time of life — for all four of us.
Thanks to the parents who sent in the following kid tips.

A NEW RELATIONSHIP
Now that my son has entered his twenties, I realize that I have not lost a child — I have gained a friend.
-- Deborah B., Clovis, Calif.

CHILD CARE NEAR WORK
Instead of finding child care for my toddler near my home, I found one close to my job. It’s wonderful; we have lunch together every workday.
-- Sharon N., Denver

READING READINESS
Teach your 2-, 3- and 4-year-olds new words by letting them arrange your kitchen measuring spoons and cups. They learn biggest and smallest, first and last, top and bottom, before and after, in and out, up and down, their numbers from 1 to 5, some colors and to arrange from left to right--the way we read in America. They can also learn addition and subtraction as they put down and pick up each item. Make it a game, and learning is fun.
-- Jacke Dollar, West Des Moines

INTRODUCING NEW FOODS TO BABY
If your baby is not very receptive to eating meat for the first time, dunk a spoon of meat into another food that he likes (like bananas or apple sauce). This little trick will get him used to the new taste and texture of the meat, and within no time the child will readily eat meat without any disguise.
-- Sherry B., Cantonment, Fla.

PROTEIN BARS TO GO
Whenever I’m on the go with my children, I always carry a few yummy protein bars in my purse. They always come in handy when someone is cranky due to low blood sugar or just hungry.
-- K.W., Pleasanton, Calif.

TEEM MOODINESS
A long time ago a friend gave me the best advice for dealing with a teenager’s moodiness. She told me that in most situations it’s better to do too little than too much.
-- Anonymous, Salem, Ore.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2007 TomMcMahon

>> October 14, 2007

PRETEND PLAY OFFERS COGNITIVE AND SOCIAL REWARDS

When two or more children are involved in make-believe or sociodramatic play, it strengthens their social skills, language, reasoning, memory, cooperation, creativity and imagination. And it’s fun, too! Clip-out this column for those rainy and snowy days ahead. Here are some great ideas for pretend play:

1. Line up three chairs in a row, and then yell “ALL ABOARD.” 2. Have your child make up an entire story around one picture or drawing. 3. Get out the dress-up box and have a fashion show and/or create your own superhero costume. 4. Put some stuffed animals around the house and have a home zoo tour. 5. Put on your pirate’s hat, and have a treasure hunt inside or out. 6. Build a city using LEGO bricks or wooden blocks. 7. Have your kids create a “hair shop” (provide brushes and hair accessories.) 8. Have a birthday party for your stuffed animals. 9. Host a pretend tea party. 10. Put your backpacking tent up in your living room or throw a large blanket over your dining table. 11. Take turns playing teacher and student. 12. Have a race, pushing each other in cool racecars (laundry baskets or empty boxes). 13. Let the kids create and star in their own show. 14. “The doctor is in” complete with a toy doctor’s kit and sick stuffed animals.

Of course, the all-time favorite make-believe activity is a plain old cardboard box, as described by our first contributor below.

A BOX CAN BECOME ANYTHING
Every parent has brought home a large toy for their children only to find it abandoned minutes later — the kids had switched to the empty box. Unlike the toy, that box could be anything: a car, boat, fort, castle or even a bed for their dolls or action figures. The boxes that lead to the most fun for the longest time are large boxes, free for the asking at large appliance stores. Get two if you can. My children loved to cut out windows and a door (with adult supervision), paint the interior, decorate the walls and fill the inside with all of their stuff. They often chose to sleep inside, snuggled in their sleeping bags with flashlights close by. That box has changed titles many times over a month — a playhouse, a fort and spaceship.
-- M.L.J., Stamford, Conn.

REARVIEW MIRROR FOR BABY’S BACKPACK
I carry a small mirror with me when my baby is in my backpack. If I want to know what he is doing or if he is asleep, I hold up my mirror so I can see him. I recently discovered that he had somehow grabbed a small toy off a shelf at a store when I bent over to look at something. Kiddingly, I told my husband that the mirror saved us from an embarrassing moment at the store exit.
-- B.B., Cincinnati, Ohio

CARPET SQUARE FOR TIME-OUTS
To designate the exact spot for your child’s timeouts, use a carpet square (available at home-improvement stores for a dollar or two).
-- K.N.M., San Diego, Calif.

CREATIVE PARTY INVITATION
A cute and clever way to invite children to a birthday party is to blow up a balloon, write out the invitation with a marker and then deflate the balloon. Place in envelope and mail.
-- Peggy L., Springfield, Mass.

HALLOWEEN CANDY
When your children come home after trick-or-treating, ask them to spread out all of their candy on a bed. After oohing and aahing at their haul, inspect each piece to make sure it’s safe and appropriate for your child to eat. Tell them that they can each pick out 10-20 pieces of candy for themselves, then you will pay a nickel for each piece left. After that you can decide if you want to keep the candy for snacks and school lunches or just throw it away.
-- Kaye W., Oakdale, Calif.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2007 TomMcMahon

>> October 21, 2007

THERE’S A CRACK IN THE FAMILY ARMOR

A few months ago, a young mother asked if I could tell if she and her baby had a secure attachment. She was concerned because her baby smiles for his nanny and baby-sitters, but not for her. “Why is that?” I asked, already guessing the answer. She explained that she and her husband not only worked full time, but both were enrolled full time in college. I asked if she really thought she could bond and be attached with her baby without spending lots of time together. She shook her head. We talked bluntly about choices, priorities and decisions she was facing.

When I was a child and teen in the ‘50s and ‘60s, everyone’s goal was the American dream: owning a house, having a good job and abundant opportunities. Back then, it was feasible to achieve with only one parent working.
Today, dual-earning parents — some who barely bring home the essentials and others who lust for more stuff — are in the same bind: not enough time. Our economy has created a parenting conundrum. Who is the biggest loser? — the family, our most cherished entity.

The signs of a crack in the family armor are apparent everywhere: Thousands of preschoolers need anti-depressant medications, gangs roam the streets of our largest cities, almost 2 million of our young people are incarcerated in prisons or jails; and our country has one of the worst rankings of all industrialized countries for infant and childhood mortality.

Time spent with your children is the most precious gift you can offer them. Babies, toddlers, preschoolers, school-age children and teens need lots of attention and love if parents want an optimal outcome for their children.

Thanks to the parents and grandparents who shared a kid tip for this week’s column.

NO MAJOR REGRETS
One of my goals in life is to have no major regrets about my job as a parent. I think about this occasionally, and it helps me stay focused on what is really important. On my deathbed I don't want to think or say, "I wish I had..." or "I need to ..."
-- K.S.D., Pittsburgh, Pa.

BLAST OFF TO BED
When I baby-sit young children who don’t want to go to bed, we play the “Blast Off” game. The “spaceship” launches at whatever time bedtime is. We make a checklist of all the things to do before blast off (brush teeth, put on pajamas, use the toilet, etc.). The kids even set a timer for the spaceship to launch. By the time we’re ready for launch, the kids are so tired they fall asleep shortly after getting into their spaceship (bed).
-- Laura Gordillo, San Jose, Calif.

CRAFT PROJECT TO EAT
When grandchildren visit, they enjoy making and eating bread-dough designs. I make the dough (you can also buy it premade), and then add some food color. My grandchildren form pieces of the dough into animal creatures, bird nests, flowers and all sorts of things. Before I bake their creations, I brush with butter and sprinkle cinnamon and sugar on top. These designs are not only fun to make, they taste great, too!
–- M. Hudson, Ames, Iowa

HOLD THEIR HAND
Please hold a toddler or preschooler's hand when in public areas, crossing the street, etc. I have seen parents crossing a street with a barely toddling child straggling behind, unseen. Drivers often can't see small children. Holding their hand keeps them safe, and sends the important message that they are not the center of the universe--someone bigger and presumably smarter than they are is in charge.
-- Linda L., Orinda, Calif.

YOU CAN DRAW ON THIS WALL
If your child loves to draw and prefers doing it on the walls, tack up a large sheet of butcher paper on an accessible wall to provide an acceptable drawing area.
-- Peggy C., Cupertino, Calif.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2007 TomMcMahon

>> October 28, 2007

PETS TEACH KIDS TOUGH LESSONS ABOUT LIFE

The death of a family pet can be devastating to a child. The closer the bond between the child and pet, the more difficult it can be. The loss of a family pet is often a child’s first experience dealing with death and grieving.

Parents struggle to explain the concept of death to their children in an honest, upbeat and age-appropriate way. However, it is never easy. Here are five suggestions that will help you get through this challenging time:

1. Be honest. Don’t lie and say that Rover ran away. This could cause a breach of trust when your child learns you misled him. Also, don’t say “Rover went to sleep,” for example. This may make the child afraid to sleep.

2. Reassure your child. Let her know that the pet didn’t die because of anything she said or because she didn’t protect the pet, or because the pet stopped loving her.

3. Hold a funeral. Experts advise this option so long as the child takes part voluntarily. It can be an excellent coping tool.

4. Encourage your child to talk about his feelings. Talking about the death of a pet can be very healing.

5. Read a story together that promotes healing. I enthusiastically endorse “The Forever Dog” by Bill Cochran (ages 4 to 8). It celebrates the child/pet relationship and offers a warm and heartfelt approach to healing that any grieving child can understand.

Thanks to the parents and grandparents who shared a favorite parenting tip with us this week.

DEATH OF A PET
To help our young daughter cope with the death of our beloved cat, we made a memory box together. Everyone in the family contributed at least one “memory” item to the box. Occasionally, when our daughter was missing our cat, she would go over and open the memory box. It seemed to give her comfort.
-- I.K., Fremont, Calif.

THE SHRINKING PACIFIER
To help our children lose interest in their pacifiers, I would use scissors to snip a small piece off the end of the nipple every few days. Eventually the child would announce that the pacifier was “broken” and toss it in the trash.
-- Anonymous, Winnipeg, Manitoba

MOM GLADLY TAKES THE BLAME
When our teen daughter was going to a party or to someone’s house where we were not sure of the whole situation, we would initiate “the plan.” If she was unhappy, uncomfortable, or things and people might be getting beyond her comfort zone, she would call me in front of her friends and tell me that she had a headache, cramps or stomachache — and wanted to be picked up. These were all acceptable (and “face saving”) excuses for me to come get her. Everyone — girls, boys and parents — understood all of these reasons as being legitimate. As a last resort, she could always just say "My Mom is impossible! She never lets me go anywhere.” Our plan worked; and we only had to use it once.
-- Y.B.R., San Leandro, Calif.

START AT AN EARLY AGE
Start chores and a sense of responsibility at an early age. It is unrealistic to think that all of a sudden, at age 13, children will become young adults who willingly do chores. At age three, my children chose a little chore to do on a daily basis and started to remove their own plates from the dinner table. At times, it seems more work than it's worth, as you could clean the table off three times faster! But the patience required is well rewarded as they get older.
-- A. Swanton, Brewer, Maine

TAKE TEN
I tired of picking up my kids' stuff (toys, clothes, homework, etc.), so I started a new strategy called “take 10.” Instead of picking up after my kids, I select a time for everyone to take 10 minutes, roam the house, pick up all of our stuff and then place it where it belongs. I made it into a game: I set the timer, and everyone literally runs around until it goes off. The goal is to have everything picked up at the end. Our house is more picked-up now, and my children are actually starting to get the idea of putting their things away on their own.
-- T.R.W., Binghamton, N.Y.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2007 TomMcMahon