>> september, 2007

>> September 2, 2007

NEGATIVE CRITICISM TAKES ITS TOLL ON CHILDREN

Probably the biggest relationship destroyer within a family is negative criticism. Spouses sometimes dish it out on each other, and, of course, children are always easy targets — especially teens. Just think through the past 24 hours, and try to remember both the positive and negative comments you made to your children. Usually there are many more negative comments than positive, with words such as “Are you walking out the door looking like that?” and “Get off that computer and do something useful.”

Most people brace themselves when they hear the words “I want to be honest with you.” They know that they’re about to be creamed by so called constructive criticism.

In one of the classic books on this subject, “Negative Criticism” by Sidney B. Simon, the author talks about one student who didn’t want to come home for holiday breaks because her father was so negative to her. “Sure enough,” Simon wrote, “as soon as she walked in the door, her father started in with his nonstop criticisms. But she did not stop him—physically. She went up close to him, cupped his face in her hands and said, ‘Daddy, I am home. I really don’t need your criticism right now. What I need is your love.’ He started to cry; she started to cry. They sat down and had one of the most meaningful talks of their entire lives together.”

Thanks to the parents and grandparents who contributed a kid tip this week.

LISTENING WITHOUT JUDGMENT
As I reflect back on parenting my five children, with two already grown, the one thing that I wish I had been better at is listening to my children—really listening—and without prejudgments.
-- B.B., Bountiful, Utah

POSITIVE DISTRACTION
An effective method to change the focus of a child’s attention is to distract him with something else that is enjoyable. I call it positive distraction. For example, if your child is whining or crying because he cannot have another cookie, instead of using authority or positive reinforcement, change the subject and suggest something else. The key is to say it abruptly and with enthusiasm. Instead of saying, "Why don't you play with one of your toys?" say, "I just thought of something fun. Let's go get your favorite froggy game!" Then start to run toward the closet. Hopefully, your child will forget what he was whining about and be on to something new.
-- Stephani Grant, Pleasanton, Calif.

FUN NAMES FOR FOOD
We’ve found that our children will eat some foods they otherwise wouldn’t eat if we give them a “fun” name: pork and beans is called “cowboy beans”; tuna is “chicken of the sea,” and sloppy joes are “Barbie’s barbecue.”
-- Carol Nelson, Memphis, Tenn.

SAVINGS PLAN
To teach my 4 ½ year-old daughter the value of money, I developed a savings plan for her allowance. If she completes her simple chores without my nagging, I pay her a weekly allowance $1 for each year of her age. Out of that $4.50, 30 percent is put in her "long term" jar of savings, 20 percent is put in her "short term" savings and the remaining 50 percent is her spending money for the week. She's currently waiting for her short-term savings to total $10 so she can buy a toy she has picked out. Her long-term savings is for high school and college. If $1 per year of the child's age is too much, you can cut it down to 50 cents.
-- Darcy C., Lake Elsinore, Calif.

MORE ON WASHING STUFFED TOYS
I have a better way of cleaning stuffed toys. I have washed hundreds of them in a washing machine on a slow cycle with soap and then dried them in the dryer. I even did Beany babies. Only one opened up a little, so I just stuffed it again and sewed it. I know children like to cuddle up with a stuffed toy, so I wanted them to be really clean. I don’t have small children anymore but I do like to read your column.
-- Rebeca, Livermore, Calif.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2007 TomMcMahon

>> September 9, 2007

“GOODNESS OF FIT” WITH YOUR CHILD

If you have two or more children, it is likely that they have different behavioral styles—what psychologists call “temperament.” Their unique temperaments, compliments of genetics, were probably apparent within a few days or weeks after birth. “Fussy,” “active,” “difficult” and “easy” are just a few of the common descriptors used by parents to describe their babies and young children. The environment in which they live will further tweak their temperament.

A related topic is the issue of “goodness of fit.” It refers to the match between a child’s temperament and his or her environment (especially parents). If it’s a good fit, optimal psychological development is likely. If it’s not, parents, teachers and other caregivers should try to accept the child’s temperament and modify their own so as to create more synchrony within the relationship. For example, if your temperament includes being quiet and reserved with a need to have everything in its proper place, but your child is enthusiastically active and loves to spread out his tough action figures, you may need to relax and enjoy his enthusiasm.

It’s common for a parent to feel disconnected with a child; the two of you are on different wavelengths. Interactions are not as easy compared to your other children. But it’s up to us as parents to accept our children for who they are and how they act. They are too young to know how to change for us.

Thanks to the parents who contributed a parenting tip this week. Keep sending me your clever ideas.

“I DO LOVE THIS CHILD—WHOEVER HE IS”
Teenagers tend to go through stages where you don’t feel like you know them. I keep telling myself, “I do love this child—whoever he is.” I also try to remember what it was like to be 13.
-- N.L., Casco, Maine

COLD SPONGE FOR BOO-BOOS
Instead of using a leaky bag of ice to sooth your children’s owie, try a small sponge. Dip it in water and place in the freezer. It’s easy to hold, and it doesn’t leak.
-- J.P., Sacramento, Calif.

READING RITUAL When my child started first grade, his bedtime was 8 p.m., but I would allow him to stay up an additional 30 minutes to read books. He would jump at the chance to remain up a little longer, even though it may not have been to do exactly what he wanted. This has turned out very well: he is now 17 years old and reads several hundred books a year.
-- Vicki N., Atlanta, Ga.

FRIDAY NIGHT DATE NIGHT
As far as juggling work and home, my husband and I always have Friday-night date night. When we go out, like in the old days before marriage, we don't discuss work, kids or bills, and it seems to keep the romance in our marriage.
-- Kimberly C., North Haven, Conn.

DIAPERS TO UNDERWEAR
When my son was 3, he showed very little interest in using the potty, even though he would stay dry all night. I took the remaining stack of diapers and placed them on his dresser, where he would see them each day. I told him that when the stack of diapers was gone he would have to start wearing big-boy underwear. I then told him I was going to the store to buy his new underwear, and asked if he wanted to pick it out himself or just let me choose. He chose to pick it out. That night after his bath he told my husband that he wanted to wear his new underwear, not a diaper. We agreed, but told him there was no going back to diapers once he started wearing underwear. He agreed, and that was it. We had several accidents over the next week or so, but once he remembered he was not wearing a diaper, the accidents stopped.
-- Kathy F., Martinez, Calif.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2007 TomMcMahon

>> September 16, 2007

ROLE-PLAY POSSIBLE SITUATIONS FOR YOUR TEENS

Adolescence is the prime time for giving up one’s good judgment to peer pressure. Peer pressure is a powerful force with possible dangerous consequences. Parents should discuss “what if” situations with their teens before an upcoming party, date or outing. Role-playing a potential teen situation in advance will help your child make the right choice if it should occur. Here is one example of a father and son role-playing a common teen issue:

Father: “You and two friends are heading to a movie, when, all of a sudden, the driver turns onto a remote dirt road and parks. ‘Boys,’ he says with a wide grin while holding up a six-pack of beer, ‘look what I scored for you.” He hands a can to each of you. What do you do?

Son: “I’d tell them that I’ll be the designated driver.”

Father: “That’s one possibility. What if they begin teasing you, saying that you’re too weak to handle a beer?”

Son: “I’d be honest with them, letting them know that I have too much to lose by drinking the beer. I’ll tell them about the contract you made me sign when I first started driving, the one that states if I am ever caught drinking and driving or driving with someone else who has been drinking or doing drugs, I would lose my license for a year. I would tell them that I have two choices: being the designated driver or having them drop me off at a store down the road.”

For additional teen/parent role-plays, go to www.kidtips.com. Click on “Parenting Topics.” Thanks to the parents and grandparents who contributed a kid tip this week.

OFFER YOUR TEEN AN ESCAPE ROUTE
When my daughter reached middle school, we agreed that if she ever felt uncomfortable with what a group of kids was doing, she could call, and I would come to get her. Of course, the chance of her reporting undesirable activities in front of her friends was pretty slim. So we made up a code. If she called and asked if I remembered to feed her cat, I would provide her with an excuse she could give the kids for my picking her up earlier than planned.
-- G.D.K., Stamford, Conn.

MY TURN TO SLEEP IN
This survival tip is a must for all parents with small children: On weekends, only one parent gets up with the kids on Saturday morning while the other parent enjoys the luxury of sleeping in! Then on Sunday morning, the roles are reversed. -- Kathy T., San Jose, Calif.

TOY BASKET FOR MOM’S PHONE TIME
When my kids were little, they always seemed to need my immediate attention every time the phone rang. To solve this problem, I made up a phone basket filled with a few small toys. I kept it out of reach, and the only time the kids got to play with the toys was when I was on the phone. I added new stuff (magnets, stickers, etc) occasionally, and the kids ran to see what was in the basket when the phone rang!
-- Laura McLean, Oak Ridge, Tenn.

SAFETY LATCHES
Parents can use toy chain links to close off kitchen cupboards and cabinets.
-- Anonymous, Gurnee, Ill.

TEST TACTICS HELP REDUCE ANXIETY
After reading your column about children and test anxiety, I decided to share some of my husband’s tried-and-true tips for taking multiple choice tests. He used these tips successfully on students who have an inordinate fear of tests. 1) Go through the entire test, answering each question that you can and passing over ones you are unsure of. 2) After answering all you can, go back and start on the ones you didn’t answer. Often, the answers will come to you as you go further down the list the first time, making many of the answers easier. 3) Spend the remaining time working on the hard questions.
-- J.W.S., Otterbein, Ind.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2007 TomMcMahon

>> September 23, 2007

THE NEW TEEN ADDICTION: FACEBOOK AND MYSPACE

Parents, do you ever walk by the computer where your teen is working on homework and wonder if he or she is doing something else instead? Many parents have concluded that they are--teens can press one or two keys to minimize all open windows when parents walk by. And that something else is probably Facebook or MySpace, social-networking Web sites that are captivating to teens and young adults. They allow users to post profiles of themselves and create a network of friends that they communicate with.

Both sites are highly addictive. Many youths check their profiles constantly. They are rewarded with hearing from old friends, receiving a new message, checking out new photos, reading a blog or searching for new profiles. Social-networking sites will probably spawn a new addiction with it’s own 12-step-program greeting: “Hi, my name is Leonard, and I’m a Facebooker. I’m sleep-deprived, behind in my chores and have no time for homework.”

Parents need to caution their teens and young adults about potential consequences for posting illegal or inappropriate photos or comments on Facebook and MySpace. Now that everyone is welcome on Facebook—not just college students—more employers are checking out individuals’ profiles before hiring.

Please send in your favorite parenting tips. Thanks to those of you who shared a kid tip with us this week.

SUPERVISING TEENS ON COMPUTERS
My teenager was always one step ahead of my efforts to control his computer access. I worried about him visiting adult Web sites, so I checked the computer’s history to see where he had been. These files record every Web site that was visited by anyone on your computer, including the date and time. Nevertheless, my son learned to cover his tracks by deleting these files each day. So I moved our computer to a public room and removed the keyboard, which is now kept in a locked filing cabinet. My son can only use the computer when my husband or I are home, and his access to the keyboard is limited to two hours each day.
-- Anonymous, Albuquerque, N.M.

CHILDREN SHARE THE SAVINGS ON ENERGY BILLS
Recently, my wife and I were discussing ways to reduce energy costs at home, and I remembered a method that was very successful with our 10- and 12-year-old sons. We had been constantly reminding them to turn off the light when they left the room, not to turn up the temperature on the thermostat and to minimize the time in the shower. As you can imagine, this had little effect on our energy bill. Then a light bulb went off in my mind: Why not include the boys in the financial benefits of reducing the energy bill? I offered them a part of the savings on the gas and electric bill. The results were outstanding. The two boys became almost militant in saving energy. We eventually had to establish some other rules such as not turning out the lights when others were still in the room and keeping a minimum setting on the heater so my wife was not freezing in the winter.
-- Larry Anderson, Fremont, Calif.

“I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOU!”
Whenever my children need a confidence booster or encouragement, I say, “I have confidence in you!” These simple words really cheer them up.
-- M.B.B., San Antonio, Texas

FLY A BANNER OR FLAG ON SPECIAL DAYS
We have a simple windsock that we fly in front of our house on special occasions (birthdays, first day of school, good report cards, special accomplishments, Little League victories, etc.). The children enjoy hooking up the windsock and the celebrant feels extra special.
-- Thomas Leslie, San Diego, Calif.

THE TODDLING WALKER
When my children were toddlers and preschoolers, I put a piece of thick duct tape on the bottom of their dress shoes to keep them from slipping on the floor.
-- L.A., York, Penn.
Note: When children are learning to walk, let them go barefoot as much as possible.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2007 TomMcMahon

>> September 30, 2007

TEEN GIRLS: LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

Each year, 800,000 to 900,000 teenage girls get pregnant in the U.S. — enough to fill 16 to 18 professional football stadiums. For each, it is a life-changing event. Many feel pressured to have sex. A growing number of young girls want to get pregnant; some even lie to their boyfriends about being on birth control. Their reasoning is hopelessly flawed: a pregnancy would solidify the relationship with their boyfriends, having a baby would fill a void in their lives and (gulp) it would be fun to have a baby. One teen girl wanted to have a baby so she could dress it up and show it off. Obviously, their cognitive ability is lagging behind their hormones. Only 17 percent of teen mothers keep up with their babies’ father after the birth.

Annually in the U.S., there are about 50 pregnancies per 1,000 teens. In Japan, only 4 per 1,000 get pregnant. Parents — especially mothers — need to sit down with their daughters and talk about sexuality and pregnancy. Research shows that teen girls who talk openly with their mothers about sexuality will be less likely to get pregnant. Teens, who frequently attend religious services, are involved in sports and after-school programs and who do not use alcohol, are much less likely to become sexually active before reaching adulthood than their peers.

Thanks to the parents and grandparents who shared a kid tip with us this week.

A WOMAN'S PERSPECTIVE
My husband is an excellent father to our two teenage daughters, but occasionally he doesn’t understand some of their needs or behaviors to the same degree that I do. When we are alone, I sometimes offer him a woman's perspective on these issues. He seems to appreciate this, and I know it helps him understand our daughters better. I know that my daughters appreciate it, too. Similarly, I can see how important a male perspective would be for a mother to understand her sons. -- F.E.S., Edmonton, Alberta, Canada

BUBBLE WRAP FOR SAFETY
Save that plastic bubble wrap that comes in packages, and use it to cover sharp corners that young children might bump into. Use masking or duct tape to secure it to the furniture.
-- Anonymous, Castro Valley, Calif.

ONE PRIVILEGE, THREE CHILDREN
While on a three-day vacation, my three children constantly argued about whose turn it was to do just about everything. I allowed each child one of the three days to have all the privileges. It worked like a charm, and I have continued to do it at home. At the beginning of each month, I put all three of their names (or initials) on each day on the calendar, rotating their names by one every day. Whenever there is a disagreement about which TV program to watch, who sits where at the table or in the car, who may read the newspaper first (the person who brings in the paper gets first refusal), we check the calendar to see who's at the top of the list that day. I also check the calendar when I need help. I'll ask, "Who's at the bottom of the list today?" and that person helps.
-- H.W., Santa Ana, Calif.

THE “MOMMY TAPE”
When we are out of town and leave our two boys (ages 2 and 4) with some family members, I tape record a personalized talk to them just as if I were putting them to bed. I even include their prayers. They call it the “Mommy Tape” and ask for it often.
-- N. Plymale, Port Pierce, Fla.

A SOCK ON THE DOORKNOB
To keep young children from opening a door that is off limits, attach a small cotton sock onto the doorknob secured with a rubber band.
-- K.T.N., Pleasanton, Calif.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2007 TomMcMahon