>> april, 2008

>> April 6, 2008

KIDS AND TEENS CAN BE ULTRA-SENSITIVE

“I’m too short,” a school-age child gripes to his parents. “I wish I could be tall like Colin.” Up the street, Colin is grousing to his parents about being too tall. And so it goes. Most kids, like most adults, are not satisfied with their appearance. They’re too tall, short, fat or skinny; and darn those ears and feet, and that nose and hair.

Later, during the middle-school years and sometimes in high school, teens can become ultrasensitive about anything — especially their looks. Many, if not most, become egocentric; It’s all about them. They even start believing they are the center of everyone’s attention. It’s almost like being on stage and everyone is focused on you. In fact, psychologists call this the “imaginary audience.”

For example, when a 13-year-old girl wakes up to discover a huge zit on her forehead, her stress level will rise. When she walks into the cafeteria at lunchtime, she might think that everyone is looking at her zit. Are they? Of course not! Everyone else is stressing about their own big zit.

A friend’s daughter in middle school came home from school one day in a rare great mood. The mom said, “Wow, you sure seem happy.” The daughter replied, “It was the best day of my life, Mom.” “Why sweetie?” “My hair stayed in place all day.”

As parents, we can help our children become more accepting of their body and appearance. Our first tip below, from a mom in Illinois, demonstrates how a well-placed comment can be helpful to a child.

SHORT LIKE MOMMY
When my daughter started school, she felt bad about being the shortest child in her class. But she seemed less concerned after learning that Mommy had always been one of the shortest children in her class, too. It seemed to help to share some of my feelings and experiences.
-- N.K, Wilmette, Ill.

CHILDREN’S HAIR BOWS
My 5-year-old daughter loves to have bows in her hair, so we have quite a collection. To keep them handy and all in one place, I attached a colorful 3-foot-long piece of ribbon (1 1/2-inches-wide) to a metal ring that fits over a hook (or a nail) on the back of the bathroom door. The bows clip easily onto the ribbon, creating a colorful display.
-- Kelli G., Pleasanton, Calif.

THE “POTTY BOARD”
After struggling to get our daughter potty-trained, we came up with the “Potty Board” idea. Our daughter loves stickers, so we bought a colorful assortment at a local pharmacy. Every time she went potty, she picked out one sticker to put on the "potty board," which we made out of cardboard. Within two weeks, she was fully potty trained (at 2-1/2 years old) while at home. She still has “accidents” away from home, but progress is being made.
-- W.J.K., Merrimack, N.H.

LET SOMEBODY ELSE RAIN ON THEIR PARADE
A few years ago, a relative's son, age 13, came home one October afternoon and announced that he and his friends had decided to go to Florida (from California) for March break. An older brother would be driving, and they would be sleeping on the beach, etc., etc. My relative said nothing, except "That's interesting; we'll have to sit down and discuss it when we have more time." In the meantime, one of the other parents blew his top and nixed the proposed trip. My clever relative was not seen as the one to rain on the parade.
-- S.S., Toronto, Ontario

COUPONS FOR MOM
Children love to cut things out, so I let my children cut out coupons for me. It saves me time too.
-- Carol S., San Jose, Calif.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon

>> April 13, 2008

TODDLERS DISOBEY DOCTORS’ ORDERS ABOUT TV

By now, you must have heard that infants and toddlers should not watch any television, by recommendation of the American Academy of Pediatrics in 1999. The Academy is cautious due to the possibility of adversely affecting brain development during these critical formative years. However, to date, no research has shown a direct cause and effect between television watching and brain development.

A 2002 survey showed that most babies in the United States are still watching television. If you choose to let your infants and toddlers watch television, be cautious, and limit them to a maximum of one hour of television per day. Allow them to watch only quality educational programming, such as the Public Broadcasting Service shows, like “Sesame Street,” “Clifford” and “Barney and Friends.” Never allow children of any age to have a TV in their room. Spend a generous amount of time with your infant engaged in interactive social activities such as playing, singing, talking and reading together. Babies benefit the most from human interaction, not watching a screen.

Thanks to the readers of this column who contributed this week’s kid tips.

TELEVISION TIMER
When my boys want to watch television or play video games, I set the television timer for the minutes allowed. When time is up, the set turns off automatically. Surprisingly, not many moms I've talked to are aware of this very useful technology! If your television has a timer, it’s usually located on the television remote, sometimes located after pushing the “menu” button.
-- Karen C., Brentwood, Calif.

THE HOLDING BIN
I keep a large plastic bucket that I call the “holding bin” in our front entry hall. Any item that my teen daughters leave on the floor for a prolonged length of time or after I ask them to pick it up, I place in the holding bin. This includes clothing, toys, shoes, books, etc. My daughters must complete a chore or favor for me to get an item removed from the holding bin. Only an adult may take things out of the holding bin. It’s a great incentive for the kids to put their things back in place after they use them.
-- B. Kennedy, Shelburne, Vt.

"YOU MAY CALL ME MOM OR BECKY"
I explained to my three stepchildren that I would never be able to replace their mother, but I would try to be the best stepmother possible. I gave them the choice of calling me either Mom or Becky. The 8-year-old decided to call me Mom, and the preteen and the teenager opted for Becky. It helped to tell them that I couldn't replace their real mother.
-- B.B.J., Des Moines

REFRIGERATOR RAIDER
If your toddler or preschooler gets into your refrigerator and takes things out, tie a small bell on the handle of the refrigerator so you can be alerted when the door opens.
-- Anonymous

ALARM HELPS BED-WETTER
We tried everything to help our son conquer his persistent bed-wetting. We finally realized that his main problem was being a very deep sleeper. So I started setting my alarm for midnight each night, at which time I would wake him up and have him use the potty. We haven't had a bed-wetting incident since we started this new routine. We both usually go right back to sleep as long as we're not up for more than a few minutes. I'll start weaning him from this midnight routine in three or four weeks, after he gets used to waking on his own when he feels the urge to go to the bathroom.
-- K.J., Portland, Ore.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon

>> April 20, 2008

THE SECRETS OF HIGH-SCHOOL CARPOOLS

I drove many carpools when my daughters were in high school. In fact, I looked forward to it. For a professor of adolescent development to drive four girls, ages 15 to 16, to and from high school was comparable to sneaking into the vault that holds the secret recipe for Coca-Cola. An amazing phenomenon happens — the teens forget that an adult is in the car, and they talk about things that are normally off-limits to a parent’s ear. It’s a chink in their armor, a brain cramp in their security system. So I sat quietly, listened and learned as my car transformed into a naturalistic observation deck for teen behavior. If you drive a teen carpool, you probably know what I mean.

Our first contributor below has also discovered some wonderful benefits of car time with a teen.

DRIVING TIME—MORE THAN REACHING A DESTINATION
I spent many an hour driving my teenagers to school, soccer, dance, Scouts, gymnastics, friends' houses, etc. I used this time to talk to them, but more importantly, to listen. For some reason, having me all to themselves in the privacy of the car gave them courage to ask questions about sex and other concerns they had. In fact, most of their sex education was done during our drives. I guess they figured that I couldn't bail out and would have to answer their tough questions.
-- D. Burt, Clovis, Calif.

CHILD TAKES OFF HIS PAJAMAS
We use to have problems with our second son unzipping and taking off his pajamas (sleeper type). We constantly worried about him doing this in his crib because we never knew when he was awake and he also took his diaper off. So we decided to turn his pajamas inside out so he couldn't unzip them. Besides, this way he also had the soft side against him.
-- Stephanie P., Norwalk, Iowa

NEW OR UNCERTAIN EXPERIENCES
Describing and talking about a new experience before it happens is the best way to prevent a potential fear in young children. For example, a positive yet realistic explanation before a child's first plane trip will help him understand and anticipate what will be happening. This approach can be used for a variety of situations: doctor visits, medical procedures, visiting relatives and friends, first day of preschool, etc.
-- Wanda N., Walnut Creek, Calif.

CAPTURING BEDTIME
I am a single parent with two daughters, ages 11 and 13. Bedtime has always been a problem for us. I've always told the girls that on school nights, they are to bathe, brush teeth, get clothes ready for school the next day, etc. Bedtime was at 9:00 p.m. It never failed — neither started her nightly ritual until around 8:50 p.m. Then I began to "recapture" the minutes that they were up past their bedtime. For every minute after 9 p.m. that they were still up, they went to bed that many minutes earlier the following night. For example, if they didn't make it to bed until 9:15, the following night they had to go to bed at 8:45. It worked!
-- T.L. Pender, Duluth, Minn.

“GIVE ME YOUR LEFT HAND”
From the time my son was a toddler, I asked him to give me his right foot, then his left foot as I put his socks or shoes on. I did the same for his hands when I put his mittens or gloves on. He quickly learned which side is his left and which is his right. By the time he started preschool, he was one of the few kids who knew his left from his right.
-- Kelly D., Waukee, Iowa

IMPORTANT ADVICE
Do not let your children down.
-- Pabi, Johannesburg, South Africa
Note: This contributor deserves a special introduction. She is our first contributor from Africa. Her tip is all of six words, but it packs a wallop.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon

>> April 27, 2008

SIBLINGS: LOVE, CONFLICT AND COMPETITION

Sibling relationships can be complicated, competitive, challenging, loving and hostile. Nevertheless, for most of us, it is a bond that lasts a lifetime. Researchers have shed some new light on this subject:

--Siblings provide a strong socializing influence on each other, often more than even parents. They learn from each other through sharing, teaching and role-modeling. They teach each other about the opposite sex.
--There is less sibling rivalry when parents treat each child fairly, but differently, according to their personality and needs.
--Rival relationships are more common when siblings are close in age. Rivalry is highest with boy-boy pairs, but sisters are close behind.
--Older siblings often aquire self-reliance skills if they have a caregiver role with their younger siblings.
--When siblings are too much alike or competitive, one of the siblings might try cultivating a new direction or identity, such as pursuing a different sport or activity.
--Siblings in middle and late adulthood become even more important to each other as they provide emotional support, especially after both parents have died.

Thanks to those of you that send a favorite tip this week. Please e-mail your tips as you think of them.

STOPPING AN ARGUMENT BETWEEN SIBLINGS
Sometimes it's impossible to determine which of your children started a fight or argument, especially after listening to all of their accusations ("He said . . ." "She said . . .") against each other. In these cases, I step between both kids and state, "I don't know who started this, but I just finished it!" If there's any more griping, I again state, more loudly than the first time, "I just finished it." The kids usually resume their activities together. There's no winner or loser with this tactic, because the authority figure stays neutral. It's a great way to end an argument quickly.
-- J. Barker, Fremont, Calif.

RINSING HAIR
My 3-year-old son didn’t mind having his hair washed, but he hated the rinsing part. Even though he would tilt his head back when I asked him to “look up at the ceiling,” I would occasionally get water in his eyes. Now, in addition to tilting his head back, I gently place a dry washcloth over his eyes and nose while I rinse. It works like a charm.
-- J.M.C., Portland, Ore.

CURE FOR “BOO-BOO” CRYING
When your children get a small "boo-boo" and come to you with tears, laments and loud crying, instruct them to “pucker up and blow” on the wound. Kids can't seem to cry and blow at the same time!
-- GranJer, Elk Grove, Calif.

COLLEGE CAMPUS VISIT
I highly recommend visiting the college campuses your teen is considering for admission. My daughter and I both were glad that we visited her first and second choices before we sent in the applications. After spending a half-day on each campus and taking the tour, the second choice became the first choice. Each campus has a different ambience and feel to it, which is important to consider before spending four years there.
-- S.A., Chicago

TREATING “CRADLE CAP”
If your child has cradle cap on her scalp, liberally apply baby oil on the crusty patches. Leave the oil on the scalp for a few hours, then shampoo. While it is still wet, gently remove the crusty cradle cap with a fine-tooth comb.
-- Barbara M., San Diego, Calif.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon