>> August, 2008

>> August 3, 2008

PUPPY FILLS EMPTY NEST

How many parents does it take to solve the empty nest syndrome? Twenty-six. Together, they have written the parenting guide “Writin’ on Empty: Parents Reveal the Upside, Downside, and Everything in Between when Children Leave the Nest” (www.writinonempty.com). The book includes essays from mothers, fathers and even grandparents. Many are sending offspring off to college, while others have children entering the military or spending a gap year outside the country. Several reveal how humor helped them through the transition. New interests and talents surprised many. Whatever their personal circumstances, all share how they learned to let go and move on.

Among the contributors with children off to college, Pam Muramatsu describes her “son replacement dog” that “doesn’t mind being my baby” and “best of all, is not going to college.” In her essay “Refeathering,” Elizabeth Fishel relates how the gift of a real empty bird’s nest spurred her to transform her now-emptied-out home with splashes of color and whimsical objects that inspire her. Kate Wheatman, whose essay “Time Makes You Bolder/Children get Older” describes coming home to an empty nest: “I kept busy but my heart wasn’t really in it. Then after two weeks, the sorrow just faded. Life was going on for me just like it was for (her daughter) Laura.”

Our first contributor below offers another good idea for empty nesters. Thanks to those of you who sent in a kid tip this week.

REACH OUT TO OTHER PARENTS
After struggling with my daughter’s departure to a school 3,000 miles from home, I decided to find some answers by sharing my pain and feelings of loss with other parents. I took out an ad in my community's newspaper, asking parents to join a discussion group on the topic of children leaving for college. Within a week, I had heard from seven mothers in the community (no fathers, unfortunately). Some had kids who had already left home. Others were interested in joining the group to "gear up" for what they would experience a year or so later. The group was a success! We met every two to three weeks for a year and a half.
-- Julie Renalds, Oakland, Calif.

CLOTHING BATTLES
My preschool-age daughter and I had conflicts over clothes and getting dressed each morning. She was determined to dress her way: mismatched to the hilt and inappropriate (e.g., shorts in December). Now I make complete outfits that I put in individual gallon-size baggies, and my daughter gets to choose her ensemble each morning.
-- C.T., Knoxville, Tenn.

SHOE TYING MADE EASY
You start with a child-size shoebox, two different colored shoelaces, contact paper and a single hole punch. Cover the box and the lid separately with contact paper, and then draw an outline of a kid’s shoe. Make hole punches where the shoelace holes would be. Take the two laces and tie them together so when you feed them through the lid, the colors are on opposite sides. Lace them through the holes as you would a shoe. Have the child sit on the couch and place the shoebox between his or hers legs. Let him or her practice after you show him or her how to tie shoes.
-- David Harrel, Fremont, Calif.

STORING LARGE ARTWORK
Children’s artwork piles up fast. Save the large pieces by rolling them up and storing in large cylinder containers (available in mailing-supply stores).
-- Carol S., San Jose, Calif.

TOYS STAY IN REACH OF BABY
Even if your child doesn't take a pacifier, pacifier holders are useful for attaching a small toy to your child's clothing so you don't have to constantly pick it up off the ground. It is especially useful when shopping.
-- J. M., Baltimore

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon

>> August 10, 2008

TEENS: GETTING OVER A HEARTBREAK

It’s rare to go through life without getting hurt in a relationship. No matter the age, a break up can be painful. But it seems to sting adolescents the most, probably because it’s uncharted territory. One’s first crush is often followed by one’s first breakup. They go from exhilarated to devastated. The person who gets rejected suffers the most. Some feel like a failure. Here are some suggestions for parents if this happens to your teen.

Be compassionate and understanding. Never downplay the hurt feelings of your teens after a breakup. Never use the term “puppy love” to describe their relationship. In their mind, it’s the real deal--they just lost the love of their life. Share your own romantic story from your teen years. Focus on the feelings you had at the time. Listen carefully. Let your teen do most of the talking.

Do something special for your hurting teen. Ask what would make him or her feel better. Watch a movie together; enjoy a local sporting event; have a facial, manicure, or massage, or all three; organize a sleepover; write in your journal. Celebrate your breakup--throw a party.

Our first contributor below adds another point of view on this topic. Please send in your favorite parenting tip.

A PARENT’S PRESENCE IS COMFORTING
I’ve realized that my teenage daughter sometimes prefers not talking at all when she’s upset. My presence alone seems to be comforting to her.
-- A.P., Des Moines, Iowa

POTTY PAIL
We keep a small, plastic beach pail in the back of our van for potty emergencies. It’s the perfect size for little bottoms to sit on. The plastic shopping bags we get at the grocery store make perfect liners for the pail. When done, use a plastic tie to seal it. We have used this potty pail while on errands, on long road trips, at the beach, etc.
-- Jill P., San Francisco

LEARNING WITH LAUNDRY
Both of my daughters loved to hand me clothes to put in either the washer or dryer. I used this activity to teach colors and names of clothing. As they handed me something, I would name the item and its color or colors, and they would practice saying the words after me. I also sometimes would include the item’s owner-- e.g., “Kelly’s pink shirt.”
-- Nancy Knowlton, Wilmette, Ill.

NURSING AT THE MALL
If baby gets hungry when you are at a shopping mall or in a department store, you can duck into a ladies’ changing room to feed your baby. If you're at a mall and you go to a store where they lock the dressing rooms, quite often, if you ask, they will be happy to open them up and let you nurse. Just make sure you choose one that has a bench in it or a chair, because some dressing rooms don't.
-- L.B., Centre Hall, Pa.

BATHROOM "BASKET BUNNY"
The morning routine around our house used to be hectic; our children were constantly asking my husband and me to find their grooming products: styling gel, spritzer, sunscreens, etc. So I completely cleaned out the cabinet under the bathroom sink, where I placed a basket for each child with all the items that they needed to get ready in the morning. To emphasize the importance of keeping the baskets neat and orderly, I initiated the "Basket Bunny." Occasionally, when the children weren't around, the Basket Bunny would inspect the baskets and reward neatness by leaving a note, a quarter, or a new item they needed. This worked so well that I did the same organizing of my own bathroom supplies; no one was more surprised than I when I received a quarter from the Basket Bunny. For the past nine months, the bathroom baskets have remained neat and clean.
-- Stacy K., Livermore, Calif.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon

>> August 17, 2008

YOUR CHILD IS INTELLIGENT -- HAVE YOU NOTICED?

Your children could be intelligent in more ways than you ever imagined. For more than half a century, the standardized intelligence tests used in most school districts have focused on analytical skills, such as verbal, mathematical and logical reasoning, to define intelligence. But now, there is a growing number of psychologists and educators who want to recognize other types of intelligence, such as creativity, musical, spatial (visualizing the relationships of objects), bodily-kinesthetic (movement skills), interpersonal (insightful understanding of others) and naturalist (has an understanding of nature.

Those who criticize the concept of multiple intelligences argue that these are not really intelligences, but are talents, and that they are not as crucial as verbal and reasoning skills. Whether these are classified as intelligences does not matter. What matters is that we — and our children — recognize that everyone has a special gift, talent or intelligence, and that all types have value. Parents can help their children identify and appreciate their own individual strengths and to learn that there are many paths to success and happiness.

Thanks to all of the parents who shared their tips with us this week.

TWO INTELLIGENT CHILDREN
I have two teenagers, just a few years apart in age. One has a great memory and consistently scores in the 95th to 99th percentile on the state’s annual standardized test. My younger child scores above average on her state test, but not high enough to be placed in the gifted enrichment classes. She has an intelligence that, unfortunately, does not show up on the school’s radar screen or standardized tests. She is creative, has great social skills, asks probing questions and makes astute observations about life. I would not want to guess which of my two children will be more successful or happy in life. I make an effort to point out and praise both children’s styles of intelligence. By doing so, my younger child has a new appreciation of her skills, which are not encouraged or praised by her school.
– Anonymous

HANG YOUR ARTWORK AND SCHOOL BACKPACKS
I bought two fancy baseboards, 3 inches wide, and cut them into pieces. I mounted one 3-foot section just inside the back door for school backpacks, coats, etc. and two other 6-foot sections for my younger daughters’ rooms to hang their artwork on. I recommend mounting the baseboards at your children’s eye level. The baseboards can be painted the same color as the walls and nailed into studs. I attached hooks to the baseboard for the back-door location and clips for the baseboard for the artwork.
-- M.M., El Paso, Texas

APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE
If your baby or toddler does even the littlest thing deserving praise, respond with loud clapping and cheers. Even babies love applause.
-- V.H., Newark, Calif.
Note: By applauding you are also reinforcing the particular behavior to occur again. (T.M.)

WHAT WAS YOUR BEST AND WORST PART OF THE DAY?
Friends gave us this idea: As a way to teach our children (now ages 10, 8 and 5) to engage in conversation around the dinner table, a few years ago we started having each family member share his or her “high(s)” and “low(s)” of the day. Our children are learning both how to listen and how to share. And there are added benefits — each of us reflects on the day’s events and feelings, and we learn a bit more about each other.
-- Anonymous, Encinitas, Calif.

SUPERHERO PREVENTS NIGHTMARES
My son hasn’t had a nightmare since he began wearing superhero pajamas. His dad told him that no monsters would dare mess with him when they saw his pajamas. As a tired mom, I have a new appreciation for superheroes.
-- M.S.A., Dallas

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon

>> August 24, 2008

MONEY SKILLS FOR CHILDREN: MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVER

Four-dollar gas, three-dollar coffee, fewer jobs, depleted debit cards, soaring college tuitions. Teens feel the recession like everyone else, but still manage to pump billions into the economy. But often not wisely.

This is the perfect time to teach our children about money. The current economy is offering real life examples of what can happen. Seize this opportunity to teach one of the primary skills of life: money management.

Subjects for teens should include how to use a checking or debit card account, pay bills, save money, make a budget, shop for bargains, and understand taxes and “take home pay” if you have a job. For teens 18 and older, learn to respect credit cards and understand how interest can double the price of a purchase.

For younger children, teach them how to count money, make change, understand allowance and save money for short and long-term goals (a new toy, concert ticket, etc.)

Our first contributor below offers some more good advice on this topic.

MONEY SKILLS
I wanted our two daughters to have good financial skills by the time they reached young adulthood. So when they were 9 and 12, we started them both on a monthly clothing and spending allowance. Each month we set aside the clothing allowance on paper and let them know how much they have to spend (the amount can accumulate). They now are completely responsible for their clothes, except that I impose “decency” restrictions. Shopping trips are now more fun for all of us, we have fewer clothing battles and fewer “never been worn” items in the closet.
We also give each daughter a cash spending allowance at the beginning of the month, out of which they must set aside a percentage for savings and charity. We still buy them all the basics, but everything else — birthday gifts for friends, outings with friends, etc. — comes out of their spending allowance. They now budget their money, are selective about what they want to buy and shop around for the best prices.
-- N.K.M., Chicago
Note: Most banks have a variety of debit cards and checking accounts that you can cosign with your child. Age 13 is a good time to start with a debit card. (T.M.)

THREE QUESTIONS FOR SPENDING MONEY
Being a very frugal person, I always tell my children to ask themselves three questions before buying anything: 1. Do I need it? (Separate want from need.). 2. Can I afford it? (Stay within your means.). 3. Is it worth it? (Valuation). As a result of this lesson, my son now searches for good buys and is quite proud of himself when he finds them.
-- Pat K., Fremont, Calif.

ELEVATOR SCARE
One of my scariest moments as a parent came when my three-year-old son stepped on an elevator without me just as the doors closed. I was picking up my daughter's toy she had dropped from her stroller, and it only took half a second for it to happen. Hang on to those little kids in front of the elevator! I waited for the elevator to come back, and the people on it told me which floor my son was on, and that someone was taking him to a cash register.
--Linda L., Orinda, Calif.

“GET OUT OF BED” TICKET
Our 3-year-old would prolong his bedtime by getting out of bed three or four times each evening to tell us something, show us something or ask us for something. Out of desperation, I gave him one “get out of bed” ticket that he could use before he went to sleep. After using the ticket, he had to stay in bed. It worked great, especially after I offered him a fancy sticker for each unused ticket.
-- L. Thomas, Toronto, Ontario

JUNIOR NAVIGATORS
As the children get older, take a map along in the car. Have them find their location and track their route through town. Before you know it, they will be mapping out your route for your next vacation.
-- Anonymous, Calif.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon

>> August 31, 2008

SPOIL THE CHILD, HARM THEIR CHARACTER

According to the Oxford American Dictionary, one definition of the word “spoil” is “to harm the character of a person by lack of discipline or excessive generosity or pampering.”

Examples of spoiling a child are: not disciplining a child after misbehaving, frequently giving in to the child (buying a toy, saying “it wasn’t your fault” even though it was), having no rules for your child, requiring no chores or responsibilities, and allowing your child to feel entitled to everything without any effort on his or her part.

Parents of spoiled children believe they are good parents since they do so much for their kids. They might be loving parents, but they are not good parents. Children need love AND discipline. Spoiled children generally are not liked by kids or adults. They are often self-centered and obnoxious, whiney and mean. Most grow up with few or no friends.

Some parents create spoiled children because they feel insecure, they want their children to love them, or they feel guilty for working long hours or for going through a divorce. Grandparents also need to be careful to not overindulge their grandchildren; however, as we all know, they are not allowed to pamper and dote on their grandchildren — it’s encouraged.

Thanks to the parents and grandparents who shared a kid tip with us this week.

WHINING OVER CHORES
I require both of my children to do two simple and easy chores each day, such as feeding the dog and emptying or loading the dishwasher. Sometimes, when asked to complete their chores, they whine and complain as if I were being unreasonable. So now, when I hear a whine, I simply add another chore to their list. Since implementing this new strategy, I hardly remember what a whine sounds like.
-- V.A.H., Sacramento

BIG BROTHER NEEDS SPECIAL TIME, TOO
A new baby takes so much time and concern that you must make time for the other children! I was able to do this by stopping all chores the minute the older ones came through the door. We would have a cookie-and-milk break — that 20 minutes was all their time.
-- Patti P.J., Omaha, Neb.

SHOE SHOPPING MADE EASY
I often don’t have my young children with me when I’m shopping for shoes. So, once every four or five months, I have each of them stand on a thin piece of cardboard, from which I trace the outline of their feet, and then cut it out. If the piece of cardboard fits good inside the shoe, it will probably be a good fit for the shoe.
-- S.C., Spokane, Wash.

RECYCLE TOYS
Children often have too many toys to enjoy all at once, and end up creating more clutter than fun. The valuable trick I learned is to take some of the toys and store them in a box out of sight. After a few weeks, when your child needs a bright spot in his day, you can pull out the old toys and they will seem like brand-new fun. I kept at least one-third of our toys recycled that way, and found that it worked like magic! It also cut down on the clutter.
–- J. Stewart, Salt Lake City, Utah

FRAMES HOLD FAMILY HISTORY
I bought a long and narrow picture frame (8 inches by 40 inches) for each of my children. Each frame holds five photos. I selected the cutest photos of my children, each representing a stage of their childhood. For example, the lowest photo on the frame for our oldest child is from her infancy, followed by (in ascending order) a photo from preschool, elementary school, middle school and high school. We all enjoy looking at these photos, which hang in our family room, providing a pictorial history of each child.
-- N.L.M., Fremont, Calif.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon