>> january, 2008

>> January 6, 2008

YOU DO THE “CRIME,” YOU DO THE TIME

Child development specialists and most public schools only condone one type of punishment, called “punishment by removal,” otherwise known as “grounding” and “timeouts.” For example, if you catch your teenage son driving under the influence of alcohol, you take away his car. If your 3-year-old deliberately tosses her dinner on the floor, she goes on timeout. Parents have this part down pat. The tough part is knowing the right amount of time to use for groundings or timeouts that will get the results you want.

Would the teen learn his lesson about drinking and driving if you grounded him from driving for a week? Of course not. What about three months? Possibly. Six months? Most likely. This is a life and death issue.

Would the preschooler learn her lesson if she was put on timeout for three minutes (the recommended amount is one minute times her age)? Maybe. What if she threw her food on the floor again? You could try three minutes again, but if the behavior continued, you should add a minute or two to the time-out as well as taking away a privilege, such as TV.

You probably have heard the slogan “You do the crime, you do the time.” It applies to the behavior of our children too. If you put your young child on timeout in her bedroom with all of her toys, no lesson will be learned. In fact, you would be rewarding her food throwing. If a particular misbehavior of your child is not improving, you might need to crank up the punishment (i.e., taking away more privileges) in small increments so they get the message without it being abusive or extreme.

Thanks to the parents and grandparents who shared a kid tip with us this week.

FIRST OFFENSES
The teen years are a time for testing boundaries and behaviors, so my wife and I believe in going lightly on disciplining our daughter for most first offenses that don't put her personal safety in jeopardy. We try to turn it into a learning experience by saying something like: "OK, you blew it. Let's talk about what we can learn from this." During these discussions, we also inform her — in very clear language — what the consequences will be for a second offense. So far, it's worked for us.
-- Paul D., Queens, N.Y.

TUB TOYS
Instead of buying expensive bath toys, use a few plastic containers and spoons. My daughters have more fun in the tub with things from my kitchen than with real toys.
– Nancy Lee, Pasadena, Calif.

NEWBORN STORIES ABOUT BIG SISTER
Toddlers often have a tough time accepting a newborn sibling into the family. To help with this transition for my daughter, I frequently told stories about her to her newborn brother. I also told him how important and helpful she is. I always made sure that big sister was within earshot. I always knew when she was, because she would be glowing with pride.
-- D. Dove, Dallas, Texas

MATH FUN IN THE CAR
When the driving conditions allowed, I would teach my children math-related lessons, from simple addition to multiplication tables, in the car as they grew older. I also helped them learn the concept of money, such as how many quarters are in a dollar and how to make change. It made driving fun for all of us.
-- Kathi L.C, Martinez, Calif.

BIG LETTERS ARE GREAT LEARNING TOYS
My mother did a wonderful thing for me as a child. She got me some wooden letters — not blocks, but cutout letters. You can get them now in either wood or plastic. I played with them like toys, and when I would ask what one was. she would tell me. I learned all my letters before I was 2.
-- G.L., Rochester, N.Y.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon

>> January 13, 2008

THE FATHER/DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP: HOW TO BE AN ALLY

This column is about the father/daughter relationship, yet the same general principles apply to the mother/son relationship as well. Dr. Sidney B. Simon, an acclaimed author and workshop presenter, reminds us that this fragile, utterly frustrating and yet incredibly rewarding thing called the father/daughter connection is worth the effort. Simon and his adult daughter, Julianna, taught workshops on this topic for six years, which included the five concepts of the “Ally Theory” below.

For starters, dads and daughters need to believe that this precious relationship deserves--even demands--our mutual commitment. Even if only one of you starts the process, it changes the whole relationship for the better.

We are programmed as males to be both the protector and provider for our children. Sometimes this causes us to be insensitive to someone else’s process of growing.

Second, you make a commitment to become an ally for your daughter. (Dads, think of a fight scene in the “Rocky” movies. The men in his corner who patch him up are allies.) This does not mean that you fight her battles.

Third, listen very carefully while she talks, with as few interruptions from you as possible. Reflect back to her what you hear her say without allowing your own “material” to mix things up.

Fourth, communicate to her with an absolute minimum of negative criticism and an absolute maximum of positive affirmations and validations.

Fifth, check in with your daughter periodically to make sure that both of you are still on the right path.

Go to www.simonworkshops.com for more detailed information on this topic.

Thanks to the parents who shared their favorite kid tips with us this week.

DON'T POINT OUT THEIR FAULTS
I believe that unconditional love and acceptance of teenagers as real people, with real problems, is perhaps the most important gift a parent can ever give. It does no good to constantly point out their faults — they usually are painfully aware of them already. It pays long- and short-term dividends to magnify any and every good trait, and to downplay the less-desirable ones as much as you can.
-- Anonymous

SUNDAY WAS A SPECIAL DAY
As children, my sister and I couldn’t wait for Sundays. We called them “Our Day.” Our dad worked two jobs, so we seldom saw him except for Sundays, which were totally devoted to us. After church we took long day drives to county parks, the local mountains, beaches and amusement parks. I’m in my 50s now, with two grown children, but I will never forget the Sundays of my childhood. I think children today would love this same ritual.
-- M.L.T., San Diego

WASHER EATS SOCKS
I was tired of having my washer and dryer eat our socks (I’m convinced of this until the military proves me wrong!) so I made some homemade sock holders. I use the plastic tops on my gallon milk containers for small socks and larger tops for adult socks. I carefully make a crisscross cut (like an “X”) on each one, then attach a pair of socks through the hole. They go directly from the washer to the dryer to the sock drawer.
-- C. Walters, Dallas

YOUNG CHILDREN LOVE THIS GAME
One of the most engaging activities you can do with a young child is called “Truck, Truck.” Children will want to do it over and over again. You sit them on your knee while holding their hands, and gently bounce them as you sing the words, “Truck, truck to Boston, truck, truck to Lyn, watch out little (name of child), you might fall in.” As you say the words “fall in” you spread your legs and the child “falls” a few inches as you hold their hands. At first, there is a look of shock, then a big grin. On subsequent times, draw out the last few words so the child never knows exactly when you will “drop” them through your legs. This game originated in the Boston area over a hundred years ago.
-- Barbara M., Quincy, Mass.

PICKLES AND ICE CREAM
A baby shower gift that made my friends howl was a jar of pickles and a gift certificate for ice cream. Of course, the gag gift was followed by a baby gift as well. Nevertheless, I did crave one more than the other.
-- C.L., Phoenix

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon

>> January 20, 2008

WHAT KIDS, TEENS AND PARENTS STRESS ABOUT

Stress plays a bigger role in today’s children compared to their predecessors of 30 years ago. Busy schedules rule their afternoons, school curriculums are more demanding, and top universities are turning away students with grade-point averages well over 4.0, just to mention a few examples. For many children, their world has become very competitive.

Besides the big stressors above, psychologists have learned that it’s those little irritating daily hassles — long lines, traffic, too many things to do, rude housemates, misplacing your keys, etc. — that can be a major source of stress.
In one interesting study by L.K. Ellis (Hassles across the lifespan, 2001), children and adults of different ages shared what hassles them the most: For preschoolers, it was being teased by friends; for grammar-school children, it was getting poor grades; for middle-schoolers, it was pressure to use drugs; and for high-school students, it was having trouble at school or work.

Sexuality appears to be one of the biggest stressors for college students. Four out of the top five stressors listed on the College Undergraduate Stress Scale deal with being raped, getting pregnant or contracting a sexually transmitted disease. Adults found that arguing with family members is the most stressful item on their list.

The first two tips below offer more advice on this topic. Thanks to all who sent in a parenting tip this week.

TEACH YOUR KIDS TO HAVE “DUCK FEATHERS”
Children that have good “duck feathers” (imagine letting a negative event role off your shoulders like water down a duck’s back) don’t let the little things in life (a minor argument with a friend, losing a soccer game, etc.) get them down. At times, I have reminded my kids to let some things go, and not to worry. “Use your ‘duck feathers,’” I would say. It’s a great little lesson to teach our kids. I use it as well.
-- L.M., San Diego

BEING WELL-ORGANIZED LOWERS STRESS
Fellow parents, if you are unorganized to the point where you often can’t find things — keys, school papers, lunch boxes, cell phone, etc. — try to get your life more organized. You will have less stress, save time, be less frantic, have a sense of control over your life and, above all, you won’t have to dread walking into a room where hundreds of pieces of paper are scattered on the floor. I was all of the above until a few weeks ago.
-- N.K., Chicago

BABY OIL ON THE BOTTOM
Drizzle baby oil on an infant’s bottom before you use a wipe. Follow with soap and water. You’ll save time and effort.
-- Janet J., Fremont, Calif.

"I DON'T HAVE ANY HOMEWORK"
A quick way to cure the "I don't have any homework" or "I forgot my homework" comments from your child is to make her sit at her desk anyway for the same amount of time she usually spends doing her homework. She can read or study topics that you provide. This takes away the incentive for "forgetting" to bring her work home.
-- P.C., Sandwich, Ill.

FAVORITE KID CLOTHING BECOMES KEEPSAKE
As moms, we all have "special outfits" that our children wore and that we don't want to part with. Nevertheless, we don't quite know what to do with them years down the line. Well, I figured it out. Make a quilt out of the material or hire someone to make this keepsake that can be used and handed down.
-- Rhonda K., Des Moines, Iowa

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon

>> January 27, 2008

COPING SKILLS FOR STRESSED-OUT KIDS AND TEENS

This week’s column is about stress and how it affects our children. It’s about helping them to confront their stressors and providing the tools to lessen their stress. If we teach them positive coping skills at a young age, there is a good chance they will have less stress in adulthood. And that can translate into less disease and a longer, healthier life. The new buzzword “successful aging” should begin in childhood, not three decades from now.

If children and adults have chronic stress, it’s highly likely that eventually they will get sick. Stress doesn’t make us sick, but it causes us to get other diseases that make us sick. Many of us, including our children many years from now, will pay a price for accumulated stress: heart disease, adult-onset diabetes, stomach ulcers, high blood pressure, etc.

Here are some coping skills for stressed-out kids:

1) Encourage physical activity. 2) Help your child establish a positive support network. 3) Use and encourage humor. 4) Reinforce positive thinking. 5) Encourage yoga and meditation for your teens. 6) Don’t overschedule yourself or your children. 7) Crying can reduce stress. 8) Have fun. Get goofy. 9) Practice being an optimist. 10) Be a good role model by reducing your stress. 11) Catch your kids when stressed and help them cope. 12) Say “I love you” to your kids twice a day.

Thanks to the parents and grandparents who contributed one of their favorite kid tips this week.

BREATHING YOUR STRESS AWAY
One of the easiest and most effective antidotes for stress is deep breathing. Teach your children to take a deep breath by breathing in through their nose on a slow count of three, then breathing out through their mouth on a slow count of six as you make a whooshing noise. Repeat a few times.
– J.K., Springfield, Mass.

DIFFERENT FROM ME
When I came to the frightening conclusion that my teen daughter is not a clone of me, but is in fact her very own person with hopes, dreams, likes and dislikes – often very different than my own – our relationship improved dramatically. I began to appreciate her as she is instead of how I would like her to be. In turn, my daughter became more open with me, and we talked more. I realized that I had subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) steered her in directions that were important to me but not to her. I only wish that I had "discovered" my wonderful and unique daughter sooner.
-- F.E.S., San Jose, Calif.

AFTER SCHOOL SNACKS
Sliced bananas in a small bowl of milk and sliced apples sprinkled with cinnamon are two of my children’s favorite after-school snacks. Both are tasty and healthy. -- T.L., Minneapolis

OBEY OR BE PUNISHED
Most children like to be in charge of their own lives: what to wear, what to eat, how long to watch television, etc. I frequently try to give my children choices and not make every decision for them, but in some circumstances I really need to be the one in charge, so the only choice they get is to “obey or be punished.” They always choose to obey, and in making that decision themselves, they seem to accept it without fuss.
-- Mary A., Fremont, Calif.

"STAY DRY" SURPRISE BOX
My son had a hard time staying dry through the night. I made a "stay dry" box by covering a shoe box with wrapping paper (contact paper would also work), and I filled it with little toys and treats. If he stayed dry through the night, he would get to select one prize. It kept him dry for a month straight the first time we tried it. A "stay dry" box can be a great motivator if there is not an underlying physical problem.
-- J.V.W., Centerville, Utah

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon