>> June, 2008

>> June 1, 2008

AGGRESSIVE CHILDREN NEED EARLY INTERVENTION

Aggression peaks at ages 2 and 3, and then gradually declines through the school years. It’s normal for children to occasionally hit someone, bite, kick or grab a toy that someone was playing with. Frustration usually is the cause; they lack the ability to communicate their desires and feelings.

Some children take aggression to alarming levels. They become antisocial and defiant. Without intervention, say psychologists, many will get into trouble with the law and end up in a juvenile detention center.

This scenario begins at age 2 to 4, typically with a highly active and spirited child who knows no boundaries—who is fearless. Parental disciplinary techniques are tried, to no avail. In frustration, parents ramp up their discipline, which might include yelling, hitting and name-calling. The harsher the discipline, the more aggressive and angry the child becomes.

By early elementary school, the child is labeled “troublemaker” and rejected by peers and, sometimes, even teachers. The more he or she is rejected, the more aggressive and hostile the child becomes.

Our first contributor below adds some advice on this topic. Thanks to those parents and grandparents who shared a tip with us this week.

DON’T BURY YOUR HEAD IN THE SAND
If your young child or teen is hanging out with a troubled crowd, doesn’t have any friends, or the school has notified you of disruptive behavior problems, you need to intervene on his or her behalf. Take advantage of the school’s resources, such as psychologists, counselors and police officers who work with teens. I know of teens who have benefited from a tour of the local juvenile detention facility, or sent to a rehab program or an ultra-strict behavioral camp. Serious behavior problems do not go away on their own.
-- B.K.N., Knoxville, Tenn.

WORTH FRAMING
To encourage my children’s creativity, I purchased a few inexpensive acrylic box-style frames for their drawings. Every few days or weeks, we change the pictures in the frames. My children are encouraged by the compliments they get from guests who visit their toy room.
-- Angie S., Patriot, Ind.

WHIPPED CREAM WINS OVER ICE-CREAM
My 3-year-old grandson thinks ice-cream cones at Grandma's house are really special. That’s because I serve whipped cream in his cone instead of ice cream. It’s less messy than ice cream (no more soggy cones), easier to serve and eat, and at least one brand comes in chocolate. His older sister has also switched over to whipped cream.
-- Beverly A., Fremont, Calif.

ROLL-UP SANDWICHES
If your children are tired of traditional sandwiches, try a roll-up sandwich. My three children prefer them. I use flour tortillas or white bread that I flatten with a rolling pin. I place yummy ingredients (turkey, ham, egg salad, or peanut butter and jelly) on top, and then roll it up.
-- P.T.W., Irving, Texas

PICTURE LABELS FOR TOY STORAGE
Cut out the picture of the toy from the box it came in, and place this as a label where the toy belongs. Even toddlers can put their toys away if they can match the toy with its picture.
-- S. Marriott, Livermore, Calif.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon

>> June 8, 2008

GIRLS BULLYING GIRLS

Like most young boys, I got into a few physical fights, mostly with my best friend, Wayne. Occasionally, one of us would get hurt, and a parent would intervene and send the friend home. Twenty-minutes later, one of us would be at the other’s door: “Can you come out and play?” and we would be best friends again.

Girls, on the other hand, are more likely to drag out their aggression against someone for days or months, especially between the ages of eight and 13. It’s called relational aggression. It pits girls against girls in a devious way. Their main goal is to damage a friend’s social relationships by starting hurtful rumors or ostracizing someone from a group or activity (“Let’s not invite Patty to the party.”).

The latest tactic is to send cruel, mass emails from groups of children and teens with messages such as “You’re ugly and stupid” and ”No one likes you.” Some recipients have been so distraught that it led them to suicide. This type of aggression by girls might cause deeper wounds than physical aggression by boys.
Ask your children if they know of someone getting bullied. Explain how dangerous this can be, and always report this to the school authorities.

Thanks to the contributors who shared a tip with us this week.

REAL FRIENDS
I watched my nine-year-old daughter suffer for six-weeks at the hands of her long-time peer group. The clique leader decided to ostracize her from the group. It was tough on our whole family. Our daughter was reunited with her peers only after an intervention by most of the parents. A few years later, she switched to a new group that valued each other’s friendship. She stayed with that group through high school. She learned some valuable lessons in fourth-grade that paid off in middle-school and beyound.
-- K.T.N., Oakland, Calif.

“DON’T DRAG DIRT INTO THE HOUSE”
My children love to go barefoot in the backyard, but they always track dirt into the house. Now I keep a small pot or bowl of water (just big enough for little feet) and a towel close to the door. They just dip their feet and dry off.
-- J.S., Springfield, Mass.

MONSTERS HATE PLEASANT SCENTS
Add a few drops of food coloring and almond extract to the water in the spray bottle for a pleasant scent (monsters HATE pleasant scents). Spray wherever monsters are found. Guaranteed to rid your home of monsters forever.
-- Nancy H.B., Bainbridge Island, Wash.

BABY SHOWER GAME Fill
a large pillowcase with ten baby items, and then tie it off at the open end. Give each guest one minute to guess the contents by feeling around the outside of the pillowcase. The person guessing the most items wins.
-- T.L.W., Phoenix

YOU CAN’T HANG OUT WITH THESE PEOPLE
Since teens are heavily influenced by their friends, I told my son that he cannot spend time outside of school with anyone who smokes, does drugs or has a police record. Unlike some rules that I occasionally bend on, there are no exceptions to this rule.
-- B.O., Mission San Jose, Calif.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon

>> June 15, 2008

FATHERS: YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO YOUR KIDS

Hey dads, if you think that fancy tie you received on Father’s Day was cool, check this out: YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO YOUR CHILDREN; YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE. Here’s a few reasons why, according to the National Fatherhood Initiative:
1. Girls who live in father-absent homes are seven times more likely to experience teen pregnancy.
2. Children in father-absent homes are five times more likely to live in poverty.
3. Over 24 million children in America, one out of three, live in homes absent their biological fathers (two out of three African American children live in father-absent homes).
4. A study found that childhood obesity is more likely to occur in father-absent homes.
5. Compared to living with both parents, living in a single-parent home doubles the risk that a child will suffer physical, emotional or educational neglect.
6. Even after controlling for income, youths in father-absent households still had significantly higher odds of incarceration than those in mother-father families.

Thanks to the readers of this column for sharing a kid tip this week. Send in a favorite tip.

DAD, DAUGHTER DOUBLE DATE
A few months ago, I was talking with the father of my daughter’s best friend about how we felt less connected with our daughters during these middle-school years. So we offered to take our daughters out, on a sort of double date. The girls jumped at the idea and immediately began to plan the evening. They picked the restaurant for dinner, the activity and the spot for dessert at the end of the evening. We had such a good time that it is now a monthly event. The key to a good time, we discovered, is to do things the girls enjoy doing. And the more interactive the evening is, the better.
-- V.W., Pleasanton, Calif.

BUCKET FOR CLEANUP
An hour before bedtime each evening, I announce to my kids: “Grab your buckets and pick up your toys.” I play loud kid’s music as they roam the house looking for puzzle pieces, LEGO bricks, books, etc, and putting them in their proper places. Once a week I host a competition called “The World’s Fastest Toy Collector.” If you make a chore into a game, it’s fun.
-- J.C.C., Columbus, Ga.

BREAST-FEEDING: “WHICH SIDE DID I USE LAST?”
Breast-feeding moms are told to alternate the side you begin each feeding with. Some moms suggest putting a pin on your bra to remember which side to start with, but I use a ring on my pinkie finger because it is easier for me to change the ring than the pin.
-- Sharon K., Lansdale, Pa.

“SECRET” BLANKIE FOR SUMMER CAMP
If your child is concerned about getting teased for bringing along a blankie or favorite cuddly stuffed animal to summer camp, encourage him to stuff it deep into his sleeping bag, where no one will ever see it.
-- C.W., Livermore, Calif.

SURPRISE! TOMORROW IS OUR SPECIAL DAY TOGETHER
Occasionally, I place a card on my teen's dinner plate that reads, "Surprise! Tomorrow is our special day together, so place an “X” next to your choices." The card lists places to have breakfast, which mall to go shopping at, where to eat lunch and which movie to see (complete with popcorn and the "works"). I also buy an inexpensive article of clothing or a collectible item for her during our shopping trip as a memento of our day together. By the end of the day, we have not only had fun together but have had some wonderful conversations.
-- M.K.H., Omaha, Neb.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon

>> June 22, 2008

UNDISCIPLINED STUDENTS ARE DRAGGING DOWN EDUCATION

One of the most disturbing aspects of public education is the lack of control teachers and principals have over their students. Most classrooms have at least one student that can consistently and effectively disrupt the entire class. So it should be no surprise to learn that teachers who left the teaching profession or transferred to a different school reported problematic student behavior as one of the top five reasons of dissatisfaction with the school they left (National Center for Education Statistics).

If you are a frequent reader of this column, you know that prior to the 1970s it was extremely rare for a parent or teacher to not have control over their children. Those were the days when parents and teachers had the upper hand over children.

Flash forward to today, and you can watch a 6- or 7-year-old control a classroom and shut down learning. Sure there are visits to the principal’s office, but they usually end up back in the classroom. No wonder America’s schools play second fiddle to most other industrialized countries.

Parents, teachers, counselors, school administrators, send me your suggestions for dealing with school discipline. The best ideas will be featured in a future column.

Thanks to the parents who contributed a tip for this week’s column.

POOR BEHAVIOR AT SCHOOL
Our 6-year-old went through a stage where he misbehaved, resulting in a conference with his teacher. My husband and I immediately implemented a strategy to curtail this behavior. Whoever picked him up from school each day consulted with the teacher. If our son got a good report that day, he received a fancy sticker on our family calendar. He received a small reward from us if he collected five stickers. If he received a poor report, he lost all privileges for that afternoon and evening, including television, video games, etc. So far, this strategy has worked for us.
-- Anonymous

TATTOO YOUR CHILDREN FOR SAFETY
There is a new product, safety tattoos, that are temporary and will help find a lost child at an amusement park, mall or other large event. My kids think the tattoos are cool, and I like the safety factor. They have colorful designs with the words “If lost, please call,” followed by your cell-phone number. They are available online at www.safetytat.com.
-- B.R., Jackson, Miss.
Note: The Web site listed above charges $19.95 for 30 tattoos. A homemade tag the size of a business card also works. Make sure it’s securely attached and not hidden by clothing. Snap a digital photo of your children in the morning so amusement park officials will know what the child looks like and is wearing. (T.M.)

TREASURE HUNT TEACHES READING
When my two children were very young, I started hiding little notes in various parts of the house; the primary purpose was introducing them to more indoor fun and at the same time, to reinforce their reading skills! Some of the notes read, "Hooray, you are about to go on a fun treasure hunt, so look under your bedroom pillow!" The next one might have said, "Great job! Now go look under the blue living-room chair!" (Or the brown rug in the living room, or under the piano bench, etc.). After they found five or six treasures, I always left a little surprise, most often a book. As they grew older, I wrote longer notes with bigger words.
-- Rochelle H., Oakley, Calif.

ATTENTION GETTER
A way for children to politely get your attention when you're talking to someone else is to have them gently tug their ear. In turn, you can tug your ear to let them know you saw their signal. As soon as you get a chance, you can acknowledge the child. This method sure beats getting interrupted with a steady chorus of "Mommy, Mommy."
-- R.B., Vancouver, Wash.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon

>> June 29, 2008

BEDTIME ROUTINES FOR BABIES AND TODDLERS

Teaching babies to fall asleep on their own without external help can have an overall positive effect on the entire family. Dana Obleman, author of “The Sleep Sense Program — Proven Strategies for Teaching your Child to Sleep through the Night,” (www.sleepsense.net) offers some suggestions to weary parents.

Obleman encourages parents to think of sleep as a continuous 24-hour cycle. Whatever happens at each stage of the day has a direct impact on what happens for the next 24 hours. Think twice about skipping naps and allowing late-night bedtimes. It will affect what happens at the next stage of the 24-hour cycle.
Infants who are allowed to fall asleep while breastfeeding or bottle-feeding often require this same routine when they wake during the night. If possible, avoid letting your child fall asleep while feeding.

Proper daytime naps will help your baby sleep better at night. Don't believe that keeping your baby up all day will help them sleep better at night. In fact, the opposite often happens, causing overtiredness.

Consistency is the key. Bedtime and naptime should be non-negotiable.
Thanks to the readers who sent in a favorite kid tip this week.

WARM BLANKET FOR BABY
When your infant is fussy, take a receiving blanket and warm it in the dryer (not too hot). Then wrap the baby up in the warm blanket. Generally, this will calm him down.
-- K. Wilmes, Omaha, Neb.

ROOM TIME
Our 2 ½-year-old son never wanted to go to bed. He would be up until 2 a.m. every night if we allowed it. As a result, my husband and I never had any time alone together. Our pediatrician suggested “room time." At a time we designated, our son had to go to his room. He could do whatever he wanted to do, but he had to stay in his room. After six months of doing this, we modified room time to be a time when he had to go to his room and quietly “read” his favorite books. It surely made the transition to bedtime a lot easier.
-- Donna Ireland, Pleasanton, Calif.

“WHOSE WET TOWEL IS THIS?”
Put a towel rack or hook on the back of each child's bedroom door and buy colored towels to match each room. This will help to avoid finding a pile of wet towels in the bathroom. In addition, you will know by the color whose towel it is. It teaches children responsibility and respect for other family members.
-- Jacke Dollar, W. Des Moines, Iowa

SAND CASTLES
Before going to the beach, look through your kitchen cupboards for plastic containers that will make good sand molds for castle building. Kids will play all day with these simple containers.
-- Beth S., Palatka, Flor.

PROMOTING THE VALUE OF COURAGE
Our teenage daughter wanted to give a speech to her high-school student body about the failures of some of Martin Luther King's ideas. As an African-American herself, she knew that she would receive criticism from her teachers and fellow students, but she still chose to proceed with her speech. We applauded her courage and individuality. We also used this situation to teach her some skills in presenting her ideas so people will be more open-minded in hearing them. We taught her to always present her views in a respectful and mature manner, and we shared with her the importance of attacking ideas, not individuals or groups. We also warned her to expect a variety of comments after her speech, ranging from praise for her courage to angry comments about her beliefs. We explained that there can be pain, agony, and occasional bouts of loneliness when a person goes outside of the mainstream of thinking. But above all, we reaffirmed our appreciation for her individuality and told her that we would always be there for her.
-- Anonymous, El Sobrante, Calif.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon