>> May, 2008

>> May 4, 2008

FAMILY FRIENDLY WORK PAYS OFF FOR KIDS

A flexible work arrangement makes it easier to meet the challenges of parenting. Parents often face a significant challenge in creating a family-friendly work arrangement. Lori K. Long wrote the book on this subject: “The Parent’s Guide to Family-Friendly Work” (Career Press, 2007). She writes: “I don’t have creative scrapbooks, well-organized closets or homemade meals every night. I’ve put homemaking on the back burner. Instead, I have a career that I find fulfilling, and I have quality time with my family.”

Long recommends: Use your family time carefully. Commit to only one volunteer organization at a time, preferably one that doesn’t require too much time. Don’t let your precious family time become a race to one kid activity after another. Let them pick one activity at a time.

Avoid long commutes if possible. Take time to carve out some time for yourself. To find family-friendly work, you must find a family-friendly boss. Take control of your time so you do not waste precious time doing mundane things or working more than you need to when you could be spending time with your children. The old adage “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know” applies more to the job search than any other venture.

Please send in your favorite parenting tips. Thanks to the contributors for this week.

MEAL PREPARATION ONCE A MONTH
As a full-time working mom with two kids and a husband, preparing meals each evening took a huge amount of time — and took place when I was at my lowest ebb. Then a friend invited me to try one of those dinner-prep places, where you go and assemble dinners to take home and freeze until ready to cook them (and the shop has chopped everything in advance and cleans up after you). The price per meal was about the same as taking us all out for fast food. Instead, we enjoyed balanced, healthy and delicious home cooked meals, and I enjoyed spending time with my friend when we met once a month to assemble our dinners. -- N.K.M., Chicago, Ill.

BABY WON’T EAT NEW FOOD
If you want a baby to try a new food, mix it in with another food that he or she likes (cereal, fruit, etc.). It usually works like a charm.
-- Debora F., Fremont, Calif.

FAMILY VACATIONS WITH TEENS
When our children were teenagers, we used to go on vacation with another family who also had teenagers. Our teens had companions to hang out with, and my husband and I enjoyed the company of the other parents. Occasionally, one set of parents would stay with the teens while the other went out for the evening. Whether it was camping, renting a houseboat or going on a short cruise, we all had a great time.
-- I.L.T., Spokane, Wash.

DAILY JOKE IN LUNCHBOX
My daughter enjoyed getting a note in her lunch box every day, but I couldn’t always come up with something clever to write. Things improved after I bought a joke book, from which I took a daily joke. The daily joke became famous at her lunch table. I still add an occasional personal note as well.
-- S.O., Pleasanton, Calif.

A FRIEND INSPIRED POTTY SUCCESS
Our 2-1/2-year-old son had no interest in becoming potty-trained until he met Elizabeth, who was already potty trained at 2 years old. He suddenly became interested in the toilet and became potty-trained almost entirely by himself. Peer pressure seems to appear at an early age.
-- P.M., Los Gatos, Calif.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon

>> May 11, 2008

YOUNG ADULTHOOD: WHEN WE MAKE MOMENTOUS DECISIONS

If there is a marker in our culture that defines the threshold of adulthood, it would probably be high-school graduation. In the next 10 to 15 years, grads will be facing the most momentous decisions of their life: choice of lifestyle, spouse or other long-term relationship, career and job. These decisions made in early adulthood are likely to have a long-term effect on their lives.

I offer two simple exercises that will help these young adults make the right decisions. First, I offer them a list of 800 different careers (see below) from which to choose, instead of the extremely short list that most young adults consider.

Next, I encourage young adults to think seriously about what kind of relationship would be best for you. You can divide a blank sheet of paper into three long columns, marked “Absolutely Necessary,” “Desirable” and “Absolutely Unacceptable.” Think about the traits that you want and do not want in a relationship. List at least 15 traits below each category. Then hold out for these qualities.

For a printable list of the “800 Occupations,” go to www.kidtips.com, then click on “Parenting Topics” (Career choices).

Thanks to the readers of this column for the great tips you share with us.

HELP DISCOVER THOSE SPECIAL TALENTS
Help your children discover one or more of their special abilities, interests or talents. Then do all you can to support and encourage them in those endeavors. Help them find outlets for these interests. For example, our son loved acting and the theater, so we encouraged him to join a few local theater productions. Our two teenagers were so busy pursuing their interests that they never had time to get into trouble. It's a natural solution to the question of how to keep your teen occupied and inspired.
-- A.N., Tucson, Ariz.

THIS MOM IS OUR HERO
I was in line at the supermarket behind a young mother and her twin sons, about 4 to 5 years old. While she waited her turn to check out, the boys would go back and forth between a nearby counter and bring a toy. She would look at it and make an appropriate comment, such as "What a pretty color," "That is very interesting,” "How clever that is,” and then would add "Thank you for showing that to me; now please put it back where you found it." And they would trot off to put the item back. By the time it was her turn to check-out, she said "It’s time to go now, so no more things to show me." By the time she reached the check-out, the boys were standing quietly at her side. She left the store with two happy little boys, her groceries and NO TOYS."
-- Addy Tatto, Oakland, Calif.

EXPERT CARPOOL DRIVER
As a bona fide car-pool and after-school activities mom, here are a couple of suggestions that I found very useful: 1.Pack a “survival bag” for the younger siblings who have to go to their brother’s/sister’s sports or activities: snacks, coloring book/crayons, stuffed animal, small activity items they are interested in. 2. Keep takeout menus of restaurants/pizza places in your car to order ahead a hot meal after the kids’ activities. No more waiting for food pickup. Starving kids can eat while you drive home, thereby saving precious time for their homework. --Ruby A., Stamford, Conn.

ADMIT YOUR MISTAKES
As parents, we must be willing to admit when we are wrong. A comment like "I didn't handle that very well last night" admits our mistake and helps to restore lines of communication that may have been damaged the night before. If we set an example by admitting when we are wrong and asking for forgiveness, our children will learn to do it as well.
-- J.W., Spanish Fork, Utah

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon

>> May 18, 2008

NICE PARENT, MEAN PARENT

My dad was the enforcer when I was a kid. If I broke a rule or disobeyed in some major way, my mother would march me to my room, put me inside and close the door. “Just wait until your father comes home,” she would say, still angry about my misbehavior. The waiting was usually worse than the punishment. It was quite effective. That’s how it was in the 1950s and sixties — the bygone years when the parents ruled the roust.

Every parent and child plays a role in the family. We are predictable to each other. We know each other’s steps, what they will say and when — and their vulnerabilities. One role that should be shared equally with a spouse is that of disciplinarian. If one parent has to be the “mean” parent all the time, it could harm his or her relationship with the children, while the other parent gets the glory of being the good, nice parent. Both parents should agree to present a united front to all discipline issues. Decisions should be delayed until the parents confer with one another.

Our first contributor below offers a tip on this subject.

DOING THE RIGHT THING
I admit to being a weak disciplinarian. As a result, my children started having problems. I’m better now at following through with consequences when my children break a rule. What has helped me more than anything is saying to myself over and over “I know that I am doing the right thing,” no matter how mad my children get at me, how loud they yell at me or how guilty I might feel after I discipline them.
-- L.M., San Diego

KITCHEN CUPBOARD JUST FOR KIDS
To accommodate the need for my two boys, ages one and two, to explore and play, I allow them access to one kitchen cupboard. It's loaded with safe items like plastic containers. They have a ball pulling things out and playing with them on the floor. And they are quickly learning that all the other cupboards are off-limits.
-- Lisa E., Columbia, Md.

THE DO-GOOD JAR
After bringing home a newborn to a household of older kids, I decided that we needed a system to encourage household responsibility. I created the "Do-Good Jar." Anytime that I caught the older children doing something without being asked or with an enthusiastic response, I would allow them to pick an item from the Do-Good Jar. The jar held coupons that could be redeemed for money, videos, a free meal out, free trips, a free movie or even Mom doing one or more of their weekend chores. The children loved it, and the household chores and other responsibilities got done without too much complaining.
-- Nola S., Roy, Utah

SHUT OFF THE TV AND BRING ME YOUR BOOKS
Every evening the television is turned off and my son brings me his books. He has quite a selection but I have read his favorites so many times that he can now read them to me. It is a relaxing time for me. I get to spend uninterrupted time with my son, but most importantly, he absorbs these books like a sponge and is learning so quickly, I am amazed.
-- Theresa G., Brooklyn, NY

PASS ON COMPLIMENTS
If someone compliments you about your teen, share the positive feedback with your teen.
-- Charly K., St. Paul, Minn

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon

>> May 25, 2008

CATCH YOUR CHILDREN BEING HELPFUL AND CARING

We all want our children to grow up to be caring and helpful to others. Here are some strategies that will promote what psychologists call prosocial behavior:
--Whenever you see your child doing an act of kindness or caring for someone, simply say “You are a caring person.” Researchers believe this is a better reinforcer than saying, “You did a nice thing.”

--Use the parenting strategy “induction” to help a child understand and empathize how his or her hurtful behavior affects other children. An example of a parenting comment could be, “Marisol is crying because you pushed her and caused water to spill all over her clothes.” This strategy offers room for making amends. A time-out might also be appropriate.

--Children that live in a warm, loving environment with clear rules, boundaries, expectations and consequences are likely to lead an altruistic lifestyle. If young children learn prosocial skills, those skills likely to stay with them for life.

Next week’s topic will be aggressive children. Please send me your favorite parenting tips.

REPARATIONS ARE BETTER THAN APOLOGIES
When one child hurts another in some way (hitting, destroying something they have built, etc.) I ask the child to “make the other child feel better.” This may involve a hug, rebuilding the Lego structure, or whatever would rectify the situation.
-- Linda Y., Newark, Calif.

BABY FRESH FOOD FEEDER
When your baby is teething, one thing I discovered that helps with the pain is to put chunks of frozen banana in one of those mesh self-feeders and let the baby chew on that. My son really liked it (he ate almost a whole banana this way, one afternoon!), and I think it soothed his achy gums too, since he seemed happier while eating it.
-- Megan Miller, Orlando, Flor.
Note: It’s called a Baby Fresh Food Feeder. Simply put a piece of fruit, vegetables or meat into the mesh bag and snap shut. Your baby can chew, suck and enjoy all the whole food goodness and taste, with only the tiniest, digestible pieces coming through.

KEEPING IN TOUCH WITH PARENTS
Even if you are the grandparent, aunt, uncle or very best friend in the whole world, always ask the child to ask permission from their parents before going anywhere with you. This teaches respect for the parent's authority and it helps children learn that they must check in with parents before going anywhere with anyone.
-- Martha, Greenfield, Mass.

SHEET KEEPS CAR CLEAN
I keep an old king-size fitted sheet in my van for long car trips or transporting wet or muddy children. Before leaving, I spread the sheet over the top of the back seat, tuck it in between the seat and the back, and let it drape down so it covers most of the floor. Just make sure you don’t cover the seat belts. Cut a hole in the sheets so the belts can pull through.
-- K.P.D., Columbus, Ga.

"WE NEED TO GO IN FIVE MINUTES"
When we are out with our kids enjoying a fun activity such as playing at the park, we have learned that a five- or 10-minute advisory that we will be going soon helps them adjust to quitting that activity. We also announce a two-minute warning. When we do this there is less whining and fewer pleas of "I don't want to go."
-- T.S., Angels Camp, Calif.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon