>> november, 2008

>> November 2, 2008

LISTEN WITH QUIET ENTHUSIASM

In my travels and talks with parents, I consistently hear them explain how the forgotten art of listening has transformed the relationship with their children. They explain this with such zeal that you would think they’d just discovered the light bulb for the first time. Their marvel comes from realizing that something so simple can have such positive results.

Even though it’s simple, listening takes time and effort, something that most of us are short on these days. So, practice this coming week. Whenever you can, drop everything when your children have something to say, no matter their age. Use eye contact and your full attention to communicate that nothing is more important at that moment. Listen with quiet enthusiasm, concentrate on what they are saying, and most importantly, listen more than you talk. The rewards will be worth it. Perhaps, like most parents, you will say to yourself, “I need to do this more often.”

Our first tip below, from a mother in Austin, offers a clever strategy for listening to our teens.

A "GOOD NIGHT" TALK
Never underestimate the value of saying goodnight to your teenagers, no matter how old they are. I still will lie down next to my daughter on her bed for a couple of minutes in the evening and contemplate the shadows on the ceiling. It's kind of like lying in the grass and looking at the clouds. I'm not standing over her; I'm on her level. You can't fall asleep, though; you have to listen!
-- D.J.C., Austin, Texas

LULLABIES ON IPOD
I bought an inexpensive speaker system for my iPod, which I use for my daughter’s lullabies. She usually falls asleep by the second lullaby at naps and bedtime. iTunes has a good selection of lullabies. Our favorite is “Baby Einstein; Lullaby Classics.”
-- Jeannie R., Minneapolis

ALARM FOR BEDTIME
I set our kitchen timer to go off at 7:30 every evening. When my son hears the alarm, he knows it’s time to start his bedtime routine. He argues with me sometimes, but never the timer.
-- Patricia H.G., Modesto, Calif.

HANG UP THAT COAT
Our children's coats can usually be found scattered through the house on the floor this time of year. The problem is twofold: they can't reach the hangers in the entry closet, and even if they could, it is already jammed with winter clothes. Our solution was to install low coat hooks on the backs of their bedroom doors. An adjustable over-the-door hanging coat rack is best, but screw-in-type hooks can also be used.
-- C.L., Portland, Ore.

DRIVER TRAINING FOR TEENS
I have two helpful tips for parents who are teaching their teens how to drive. First, ask your teen to describe what he is seeing as he drives. For example: “I see some kids playing in the driveway on the right. I’ll slow down,” or “I see that my lane will merge with the left lane just down the street.” This teaches them to be super-alert for potential dangers. Second, since people learn by observing others, ask your teen to critique your driving. This will cause him to watch your speed, whether you use your mirrors correctly, checking the blind spot, etc.
-- T.L., San Diego

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon

>> November 9, 2008

PARENTING CONTROLS FOR CELL PHONES

Congratulations! You finally gave in and bought your 11-year-old his own cell phone. You did this for your peace-of-mind, knowing that you could contact each other in case of an emergency. After all, you say to yourself, 50 percent of kids 8-12 have a cell phone.

Then, a month or two later, you notice some of the negative aspects of his cell phone, and you realize it’s a double-edged sword. Cell phones, like video games, can turn into an addiction that crowds in on school and other responsibilities. That’s why I recommend a simple contract between you and your child that begins with “Your cell phone is a privilege, not a right. Therefore we can take it away if you disobey the following rules.” A good sample contract that you can tailor to your needs can be found at www.parentingteens.about.com/od/parentingcontracts.

If you don’t like contracts, add some parenting controls directly to your child’s phone by contacting your cell phone service provider or Kajeet phones (www.kajeet.com). You will be able to restrict the times your child can use the phone, track her phone with a GPS locator and decide who she can call and text, and when.

Thanks to the parents and grandparents who sent in a kid tip this week.

NO CELL PHONES AT HOME
Our middle-school-age boys take their cell phones to school and after-school activities. When they arrive home, they must turn off their phones and place them in a box until the next morning. Friends have to use a land-based phone to call our boys in the evening.
-- Merel H., Pleasanton, Calif.

IS THIS CALL NECESSARY?
I told my teenager to always ask himself this question before he uses his cell phone in the car — even if he has a hand’s-free device: Is this call absolutely necessary now?
-- Leslie O’Neill, San Diego

THANKSGIVING REFLECTIONS
My three children love to participate in a family tradition that we call “Thanksgiving reflections.” A few days before Thanksgiving, my children collect large, colorful leaves in our neighborhood. Then, using construction paper and crayons, they draw a large tree trunk with many branches. As family members arrive for our Thanksgiving feast, they are encouraged to write down one or more things they are thankful for on plain white mailing labels, which they then stick onto a leaf. Then the children tape the leaves onto the branches of the tree. It looks quite festive when it’s completed. Younger children tell the older children what to write on their leaves. Before we have our blessing at the table, someone reads all of the leaves on the tree.
-- K.W., Portland, Ore.

"I NEED TO THINK ABOUT THAT"
Occasionally, when my teen daughters would ask me for permission to do something that I wasn't sure about, I would respond, "I need to think about it," or "I need more information to make my decision." Frequently, during the few days I asked to ponder the idea or gather more information, my daughters lost interest in that activity or the plans fell through. So, by asking for more time to consider their request, I found myself saying “no” much less than I did in the past. The extra time or information also helped me arrive at the right decision most of the time. When I did say “no,” my daughters knew that my decision was final.
-- H.F., Minden, Nev.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon

>> November 16, 2008

NO REGRET PARENTING

Eric Erickson, the renowned developmental psychologist, proposed that every stage of life offers a challenge. The last stage — late adulthood — is about reconciling with our past. There are two possible results: the positive outcome is feeling content with the choices of the past, and the negative outcome is having major regrets about ones life. The first group is where we hope to be later in life, but it takes time and effort.

The haunting words in the song “Cats in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin remind us that “intention” does not always lead to action. “When you coming home, Dad?” the song asks. “I’m gonna be like you, Dad ...You know we’ll have a good time then.” But they never do.

Time spent together, parent and child, is all we need to make memories. The effort expended on your young children and teens will reap benefits for decades and beyond. Don’t sweat the small regrets; we all make mistakes, but avoid the major regrets that have a lasting impact.

Send in your favorite parenting tip. Thanks to the parents who sent in a tip this week.

MAKE A MEMORY
Whenever there is a choice between doing a household chore and doing something special with one of your children, hang out with your kid. No one will remember your clean windows or folded clothes, but your kid will remember the time spent with you. Whenever I have an opportunity to hang out with my kids, my wife says, “Go make a memory!”
-- Leo R., Bremerton, Wash.

TEENS PAID BY THE MILE
My father came up with a fair and equitable way for his teenagers to share the costs of operating the family car. He would check the odometer before we left and again when we returned, and he charged us a nominal fee per mile that we had driven. That covered the cost of gas, oil, maintenance and insurance. We thought twice before driving someplace without a real purpose in mind, and cruising was out of the question.
-- B.B., Bountiful, Utah

CYBER BULLYING
If your child is a victim of cyber bullying, report it immediately to school officials and the police. Get a new phone number and e-mail address, and tell your child to not share it with anyone. Cyber bullying is one of the meanest things that could happen to a child or teen. The sooner the bullying is discovered, the better the outcome.
-- M.H., El Paso, Texas

INDOOR TENT FOR A RAINY DAY
The best activity that promotes creative play and keeps my two young children occupied on a rainy or snowy day is to set up my small backpacking tent in the living room. A large sheet or blanket draped over a table also works. They crawl inside with their sleeping bags, pillows, flashlights, books, toys and games, play make-believe “camping” and sleep inside it at night.
-- D.L.R., Denver

FAMILY LAUNDRY SYSTEM
I have three tall laundry hampers in my laundry room: one for darks, one for lights and one for whites. The kids, my husband and I all put our clothes in the right one each evening or morning, so when one is full, I throw in a load and get it done right away. There is no looking all through the house, and the kids know if it’s not in the hamper, it won’t be washed.
-- M.S., Salt Lake City

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon

>> November 23, 2008

SIX THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT RISKY TEEN BEHAVIOR

The teen years can be dangerous. Talk to your teens about the many risks that lie ahead. Here are some of the latest issues and statistics on risky teen behavior:

A group of teens hanging out together is much more likely to engage in risky behavior. Joy riding with a carload of friends is especially dangerous. * Early-maturing girls who look older than their peers are more likely to develop friendships with older teens and engage in risky behaviors, including sex. * Having an older boyfriend (or girlfriend) dramatically raises the chance of becoming sexually active during the early teens (B. Marin, 2006). * The eating disorder, Anorexia, can be life-threatening. Know the symptoms. * A diet of TV high in sexual content is strongly related to the initiation of precocious teen intercourse and advancement of other sexual activities. Approximately two-thirds of TV programs contain sexual content (R.L. Collins, 2004). * A total of 4,946 teenagers ages 13-19 died in motor vehicle crashes in 2007. The crash rate per mile driven for 16- to 19-year-olds is four times the risk for older drivers. Risk is highest at age 16. Many crashes are due to inexperience (Insurance Institute for Highway Safety).

Thanks to the readers of this column for your continued support. Keep your tips coming!

ENTERING A NEW MILESTONE OF FREEDOM
Whenever my children reach a new milestone of freedom, such as going on a first date or getting a driver’s license, I have a long talk with them. We talk about what could happen, solutions to possible problems, and the discipline they will have to bear if they take certain actions, such as violating curfew (no privileges the following weekend) and drinking and driving (no driving for six months). I had the first such talk with my 14-year-old when she and her friends went to the mall without an adult. A potential problem that we had discussed in advance happened, and my child knew exactly what to do. I was quite proud.
-- T.L.M., San Diego

THEATRE SEATS ARE NOT MADE FOR TODDLERS
Toddlers never seem to get comfortable in a theatre seat; they sink low and can’t see the screen. They inevitably end up on your lap for the entire movie. One solution is to bring in a toddler’s own car seat and strap it on to the theatre seat. Toddlers like being in a familiar seat and they will be able to see better. And you lap will get a rest!
-- J.A.H., Gig Harbor, Wash.

AUDIO TAPE OF CHILDREN’S BOOKS
My children love for me to read to them, but balancing life’s demands doesn’t give me the opportunity to do it as much as I would like. So, I selected three or four of each child’s favorite books and audio-recorded each one in my own voice. I rang a bell after each page so that they would know when to turn the page. I taped a small manila envelope on the cover of each book and slipped each tape inside. My children love to listen to these tapes, especially when I am out of town for a day or so, or at an evening activity.
-- L.T.T., Oakland, Calif.

HOME FIRE DRILL
When children are small, it is a good idea to practice the fire drill with them. Help them find ways to get out of different rooms in the house. Then, practice getting out of the house quickly a few times. I did it sort of as a game with my children.
-- Donna Lord, Canton, Miss.
Note: Don’t forget to do the same for the older children. (T.M.)

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon

>> November 30, 2008

HOW TO CUT DOWN ON SCHOOL AND WORK ABSENCES

‘Tis the season for colds and flu. Almost 22 million school days are lost each year to the common cold alone. With a little effort, you can cut in half or more the number of illnesses your family had last year. That means less school and work absences and happier kids. First, know the difference between a cold and the flu since they have similar symptoms. The flu is worse than the common cold, and symptoms such as fever, body aches, extreme tiredness and dry cough are more common and intense. Kids with colds are more likely to have a runny or stuffy nose.

Teach your children how to cough or sneeze into a tissue and then throw it away. They can use their hand if they don’t have a tissue. They could also cough into their upper arm. Demonstrate how to wash their hands with soap and warm water, alcohol-based wipes or sanitizers. They should wash their hands for 15 to 20 seconds, about the time it takes to sing the “Happy Birthday” song twice (Centers for Disease Control). Encourage your children to wash their hands two or three times during school. Wherever there has been coughing or sneezing, wipe the surfaces completely.

Thanks to the readers of this column for sharing these clever kid tips.

WASH, WASH, WASH YOUR HANDS
To teach toddlers and preschoolers the importance of washing their hands after using the bathroom, sing this fun song with your youngster to the tune of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.” “Wash, wash, wash your hands; play your handy game; rub and scrub, scrub and rub; germs go down the drain.”
-- A. Stocking, Fremont, Calif.

REINFORCE GOOD HABITS
To reward our sons for washing their hands after using the bathroom, they get to pick out a sticker, which they can place on a paper plate we have taped to the bathroom mirror. It gets the job done!
-- C. Nelson, Memphis, Tenn.

YOGURT CREATIONS
My children are always asking for those single serve yogurts that are marketed for kids, such as yogurt with colorful sprinkles. It’s cheaper and more fun for the kids to make their own special yogurt creations at home. Simply buy single-serve vanilla yogurt, add a drop of food coloring and top it off with store-bought sprinkles, bite-size pieces of fresh fruit or crunchy granola. It’s healthy, and kids love it. My kids enjoy making their own yogurt creations for various holidays, such as orange-colored yogurt with chocolate sprinkles at Halloween.
-- Linda W., Pleasanton, Calif.

FACE PLATES
Whenever we go to a restaurant with our kids, I bring along crayons and two or three paper plates for each of them to draw funny faces on. They keep busy with their art project while my husband and I enjoy each other’s company.
-- H.L., Seattle

TRUST YOUR HUNCHES
Experience as a parent has taught me to trust my hunches when I feel strongly about something. After I base a decision on one of these feelings, I tell my teenagers something like, "I am doing my best to make decisions that will protect you or are in your best interest. I don't always have all the information that I need, but often my feelings and hunches are right." Even though they may not like my decision, they realize that I made it out of love and concern for them.
-- C. Jones, Santa Ynez, Calif.

Always keep safety, age appropriateness, and your intimate knowledge of your own child in mind when considering use of any tip.

copyright 2008 TomMcMahon