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Dear Tom,

I am responding to your request for divorce stories from your Kid Tips column. I am pleased to tell you that my ex-husband and I have the best divorce and a better relationship than a lot of married couples. Ironically, we actually did a lot of healing in the process of our divorce. Let me tell you our story.

In August of 1999, after four years of fairly consistent couples therapy and my own personal therapy, my husband and I decided that our marriage was terminal. It had lived its life and it was time to let it die with dignity. We agreed to keep our decision to ourselves until the process was well under way, although we did share it with our children (a six and a half year old boy and an eight year old girl). They are both very perceptive children, so this was not a total shock to them. My husband and I rarely fought or argued and this time was no different. The kids were concerned but seemed to have an attitude of "Let me know how and when my life is going to change." They never doubted our love for them and we went to great lengths to impress upon them that our divorce was about our marriage ending, not about them or anything that they did or did not do.

When school started in September, I met with their teachers and let them know what was going on at home and got the kids signed up with the school counselor. Meanwhile, my husband and I decided to use a mediation lawyer to file our initial paperwork and we agreed that we would not retain individual lawyers. We continued living together in the same house, but had separate bedrooms. We agreed that we would pursue the divorce process at a rate that was comfortable for both of us and that we would do it as inexpensively as possible. We used Divorce Helpline (www.divorcehelp.com), a law corporation which specializes in uncontested divorces in California. We crafted our own divorce, kept the control and the money. We handled everything by phone and mail, never set foot in a courtroom, never saw a judge. We knew that divorcing would be painful for all of us and our goal was to reduce the pain as much as possible. My husband's biggest fear seemed to be that I would take the kids away from him and I reminded him often that I needed his help to raise these beautiful beings that we had created together. My biggest fear was of being alone.

What is extremely important to note is that neither of us was leaving the marriage because we had someone else waiting for us. We had grown and changed in ways that could not have been predicted when we got married thirteen years ago. A life-long friend of mine says that we had issues that pre-dated our marriage. This may sound strange, but we loved each other enough to recognize that staying together was detrimental to our individual health and well being. We were better off apart than we were together, and our judgment was not clouded by having a lover waiting in the wings. What we were learning along the way was how to trust each other in ways that we had never been able to while we were married.
Once we decided that my husband would buy me out of the house we had bought together, things speeded up. I bought a town home less than two miles away and he helped me do some major remodeling. I moved in to my new home a year and a half after we had decided to get divorced. Yes, we lived together for that entire time in order to maintain our kids' routines and to save money. Our divorce was finalized in 2001. We have an unspoken agreement that neither of us would move from our city until the kids are eighteen. We have a written agreement that we would be self-supporting and would share kid expenses 50/50. I had to get a second job but am fortunate to be able to perform both of my jobs concurrently from home at night. We have a schedule with the kids (Sunday, Monday, Tuesday night at Dad's house and Wednesday, Thursday and Friday nights at mine and we alternate Saturdays), but we are very flexible in order to accommodate the twists and turns of life with kids. The kids come home from school every day to me. My ex-husband coaches their sports teams and usually does a lot with them over the weekends. We demonstrate to them that our marriage ended, not our relationship. We have transformed our family into a new entity that works better for all of us and our kids are two of the most secure, confident kids in town.

The icing on the cake is that I remarried. My new husband had been married twice before and had made the decision not to have kids when he was in his thirties. When he reached his fifties, he truly mourned that he did not have a family and figured he would live the rest of his life watching his friends have fun with their kids and grandkids. Then we came into his life and he has embraced "stepping" quite gracefully. My ex-husband gave him the green light when he told the kids that having more people in their lives to love them is always a good thing and that "Your mother has waited her whole life for this". My ex-husband made it clear to the kids that he would always be their Dad and that would never change. I pinch myself daily when I realize how rich and wonderful all of our lives are. The healing I have experienced in my own life is immeasurable and our kids have the stability, love and security that was in constant question in my own childhood.

So, that's our story. I want others to know that it is possible to get divorced and not have it be a living hell. It takes two people acting as adults, a lot of trust, a good support system and lots of love. There is no denying that divorce is painful, but it can also be a positive learning experience. I hope this has been helpful.

Sincerely,
Anonymous (California)

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