Tom,

I read your article the other day where you asked for divorce stories about getting along with your ex-spouse. Here is my story. I married a childhood friend that I met when I was 13. We got married when I was only 20 years old. When he left 9 years ago, we had a 4-½ year old son and a 1-year-old daughter. He moved back to his home town 2 hours away.

The first few years were difficult. I had a lot of hurt feelings and frustration for the loss of the family I so badly wanted for my children. The stress of having my children gone every other weekend was unbelievable. I hated the situation we were in and for a time I hated him for leaving us in this situation. After a few years of this I took a step back and asked myself what I could do to change the situation. The only answer was to change my attitude about the situation. I began to change, and he and the children changed as well.

Now, the four of us sometimes meet for dinner when we drop off our kids from each other’s house. We generally take the kids out to eat together for all of our birthdays. Almost every year, I attend my ex-spouse’s family's Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations with him and the children. We sometimes plan a day and spend it together doing something special or just hanging out.

Two years ago, when planning a trip to Disney World with my children, they asked if dad could come too. My first thought was that I now have proof that my efforts for the last seven years had paid off. My children didn't even think twice about asking me to spend an entire week with their father. Now the true test came; could I do that, and would he be willing to go? Despite several friends and relatives thinking I was crazy, I asked him to go with us and he agreed. We had a good time. The best souvenir we brought home was a picture of the four of us taken when we went to a character breakfast the first morning. We got two magnet photos and two five by seven photos. One magnet is on my refrigerator at my house, the other is on his filing cabinet at his house. The two five by sevens are hanging in my children's rooms. My daughter proudly shows everyone the family picture she has of her "whole" (as she puts it) family. Even my mother (one of those who thought I was crazy to take my ex with us to Disney World) had to admit the smile on my daughter’s face as she showed this picture off was well worth it.

As we now have one teenager 13 ½ and a 10 year old, I don't dread their graduation, wedding day, birth of their children or other major life events where both my ex and I will be attending. I think we can manage to remain in the mode where their needs are more important than ours. We will continue to be a family.

Thank you for taking time to read my story. If I were giving advice to other parents, all I can say is work as hard as you can to save your marriage. Then, if you get divorced, work even harder to redefine what a family is for you and your children. Don't listen to everyone’s opinion of what makes sense. If you follow you heart with your children's needs first, you can't go wrong.

Thanks,
Anonymous, Michigan