Dear Mr. McMahon,

I am answering your column request for info about divorce. What went well in our divorce was that my husband and I made every attempt to minimize the trauma to our children. We made sure they stayed in the same home and school. We made and kept a vow not to speak ill of each other to the children.

Nevertheless, our divorce had lasting regrettable effects on our children who were 5 and 6 at the time. As the custodial parent, I could not always hide the pain I was experiencing. When I would cry, the 6 year old would try to comfort me. Assuming too much inappropriate care giving to her parent, I believe she lost part of the childhood that was rightfully hers.

She greatly benefited however from sharing feelings with various friends who experienced divorce during her school years. She had opportunities to revisit and readjust her understanding of the divorce and with each increment of understanding, let go of some of the pain. By the time she chose to marry, her decision was grounded in wisdom and emotional maturity well above average. She has been very happily married now for 10 years.

The 5 year old never would open up about her feelings. She later confessed that she could see the rest of us were upset and she didn't want to make it worse. From the outside, it appeared she was handling things well, but on the inside, she was suffering more than anyone else involved and bears the most lasting scars relating to trust in adulthood.

On the plus side, both children matured with levels of self-sufficiency and common sense that seem beyond many of their peers. Though I by no means advocate divorce, I think it was a benefit that there were things they had to do without and disappointments they had to bear. Children who are protected from every possible disappointment also become adults who are handicapped with underdeveloped inner strength to handle life's difficulties.

Anonymous