Tom,

I saw that you are soliciting tips from divorced/blended families for a series of columns on divorce and children. As a recently divorced mother of two children, ages 10 and 12, I have some very strong feelings and opinions on the subject that I would like to share with you.

First and foremost, I sincerely hope that at some point you will mention how divorce should be an absolute LAST RESORT for parents; how research has shown that the long-term effects of divorce on children's lives and future relationships can be and frequently are extremely negative; that divorce is not a one-time event in children's lives, it is a state of being - these are the conditions under which the children will live out the rest of their lives. So much time and attention is devoted to researching and publicizing how to mitigate the effects of divorce on children. It's about time we tell parents the cold, hard truth: your divorce is going to hurt your kids, no matter what you do. Certainly parents' behavior before, during and "after" the divorce will make a big difference in the severity of the impact on their children, but anyone who believes that divorce is no big deal and that "kids are resilient" and will "bounce right back" is seriously fooling themselves.

I so often hear phrases like "Things will settle down after the divorce" or "They've adjusted well since the divorce". A divorce is never "over" for children! A divorce means that children will have to be continually adjusting, compromising and acquiescing in ways that their peers from intact families don't have to - especially when there is tension between the ex-spouses (as in our case). Will both parents attend school and sporting events? Shows and recitals? What about birthdays and holidays? As the children get older, how will having parents in two different locations affect their social lives? What if there's something "big" going on with their friends at home (even something as simple as a birthday party) when they're supposed to be going to the other parent's home for the weekend - will he or she "understand" and let them attend?

Despite having a very detailed and well thought-out custody and visitation schedule in our divorce stipulation, my family is faced with issues like these on a regular basis (almost weekly), and my children are not even teenagers yet! They don't like missing out on things because they "have" to go to Dad's for the weekend, and I don't blame them - after all, they didn't ask for this life, we forced it on them! No matter how much children of divorce love their parents, or how amicable the post-divorce relationship is, I can't imagine that they don't harbor some level of resentment towards their parents for causing them to live under these conditions - conditions which their friends from "intact" families don't have to face. Yes, it is the responsibility of the parents to try and lessen these hardships on their kids, but when parents live in two different households, they can never be totally eliminated.

One other very important point I'd like to make about the dissolution of a marriage and the process of divorce: do not underestimate the time needed for a family to "recover" from this ordeal - and by "recover" I mean get back to some sense of normalcy and stability. In my own situation, I was divorced by an unfaithful husband whom I loved very much. We had been separated for many years, but being a strong believer in marriage and somewhat of a dreamer, I always thought that somehow we would work things out. His filing for divorce and immediately bringing our children into his "new" relationship was the most difficult thing I have ever had to live through. There were times when I didn't think I was going to make it. Letting go of my dreams for our family while watching my children become part of a new family (my ex-husband remarried within days of our divorce) was a type of agony that I can't even find the words to describe.

My point: no matter what your own emotional or psychological distance from the marriage may be, be aware that the same might not be true of your soon-to-be ex-spouse and is certainly not true of your children. Moving on too quickly and bringing your children into a new relationship - even if you believe this is "the one" - can have devastating effects on all involved, greatly exacerbating the already difficult process of ending a marriage. Just because you believe that someone is a positive in your life does not necessarily mean that the time is right to bring them into your children's lives. And if you know that it is going to hurt your spouse/ex-spouse, you are doing a grave disservice to your children by knowingly causing more pain to their other parent during this already difficult time.

Whenever you do something to hurt or cause grief in your co-parent's life - whether intentionally or not - you are also hurting your children. The importance of working through your anger, grief, jealousy - whatever negative emotions you may be experiencing - and not taking it out on the other parent and/or their new spouse (no matter how much you think they deserve it!) cannot be over-emphasized. Journal, seek support from family and friends, get counseling - work on improving your own life rather than getting back at the other person(s). This is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your children during this emotional and turbulent time.

To summarize, I believe that the greatest gift parents can give their children is to love one another; that we are far too quick to divorce in our society and unwilling to admit the negative consequences that our actions have on our children; that the majority of couples would be better off to stay in their marriages and devote serious time and attention to making it better rather than giving up and seeking a solution in a new partner; that too many divorced people seek new relationships to heal their wounds, rather than working through their issues and becoming whole first - a belief which is reinforced by the even higher divorce rate of second and third marriages. But if and when divorce occurs, I believe that one of the most important things parents can do for their children is to give the family time to heal and adjust before bringing new partners into the picture. In other words, at least take the time to deal with the logistics of custody, support, visitation, etc. and legally end the marriage before getting involved with someone new. Doing it any other way is incredibly selfish and will ultimately cause more harm than good to your children - and will quite possibly make it difficult for your children to accept your new partner. Unfortunately, I speak from experience.

Best wishes with your project,
Anonymous (New Hampshire)