| Hi,
I would like to start by saying that
I thoroughly enjoy your column every week. Your readers
have some great ideas.
I divorced my husband in 1993 after
9 years of marriage. The first thing we did right was
to handle it ourselves. We had two children, six and
three, but no real property other than two cars and
401K plans. I checked out a book from the library called
"Handling Your Own Divorce in California"
(or something similar to that) and followed the steps.
It even included all the forms we needed to complete.
This saved us the cost of two lawyers and other people
persuading us.
We decided together who got which
car, how much child-support was necessary, how to split
the tax deductions, etc. The custody was a no-brainer.
I got physical custody and we both retained legal custody.
I was by far the hands-on parent, and he had other priorities.
The more-involved parent should always retain the majority
of the custody for the children's sake.
My ex did not see the children much
in the first few years, which was his choice, but I
made sure the kids spoke to him at least once a month.
I also kept in touch with my mother-in-law and my ex's
brothers and sisters. I was not going to let my children
be excluded from their family. (I have often said I
divorced my ex, not his family.)
I tried to never speak badly about
my ex around the children. Believe me, it was difficult,
but I succeeded for the most part. They hear a little
more about the marriage now that they are teenagers,
but they still don't know half of what went on. I tell
them things mostly so they don't make the same mistakes.
In 1996, I re-met and married my high
school sweetheart. He is a fantastic father and has
a very positive impact on my children. He loves them
as if they were his. When we married, I told him that
he was the father of the house, and he had my full support
to raise the kids as his own, without worrying about
whether he was stepping over any boundaries. We eventually
had two more boys, and we now are a family of six.
In 2000, my ex married a wonderful
woman, whom I genuinely like. Now my children have positive
stepparents on both sides, which is great! We all get
together often and split holidays when possible.
My philosophy:
The children's well-being should always come first.
Families cannot be divorced. People other than the couple
involved cannot take sides, because they have no idea
what truly goes on in the marriage. Parents can't use
their children as weapons in a divorce. The kids have
a right to believe that both of their parents are the
best in the world, no matter what the truth is.
I know this is long, but I hope it
is helpful. It has worked for us.
Thanks for listening,
Anonymous (California) |
