Tom,

I enjoyed reading your tip for divorced parents. As an adult child of divorced parents, I feel like I can offer some advice. I believe this topic is not discussed enough, yet affects so many people. My parents have been divorced for 18 years, yet hardly a day goes by that the divorce still doesn't impact my life in some way. My children are also impacted. In my life, it was an "ugly" gift from my parents that keeps on giving.

Here are some basic tips that might be helpful to divorced parents:

1. Get counseling. Have your children go to counseling. There are no books or tapes or lessons on how to teach a child how to handle divorce. They will need someone to talk to and talking to the parents is hard when they are no longer together. An unbiased party is helpful. It puts the child in an uncomfortable position to talk to one parent about the other parent. The last thing in the world, for most children, is to have the two people that brought them into this world, no longer be together. Divorce is the "death" to the family that the child was used to, even though the members are all still alive; the family unit that once was, in now "dead." There is a mourning phase for children; they will mourn the loss of the
family unit that once was, but now will be something else. However, the future is unknown for the children, so it causes insecurities. In my life, I was depressed for at least a year after my parent's divorced. It was the most awful saddness I have ever felt. My heart was broken and I most definately mourned the loss of the only family unit I had known. I was scared and insecure about what the future would hold since it was going to be different. In retrospect, having a counselor, I believe, would have made a difference in my life. I got through the divorce, and feel that because of the divorce being the hardest thing I've had to face in my 35 years, I am stronger emotionally.

2. Don't criticize your ex-spouse in front of your child(ren). When you choose to criticize your ex-spouse in front of your child you are criticizing half of your child's DNA. The other parent will always be your child's parent. You can divorce the spouse, but the child cannot. You put the child(ren) in an awkward position. They don't want to hear from one parent how awful the other parent is. The parents need to stay away from doing that to their children. The parents should talk to a counselor or a friend about their issues about their ex-spouse, not to the children.

3. Don't expect your children to be excited when you start dating. It's almost an unnatural state for a child to be excited about their parents dating someone else, as younger kids especially always hope the parents will get back together.

4. If you re-marry, don't tell your child that the step-parent is a better parent than their biological parent. Let the child decide that. Obviously we know how the parent feels as they got divorced.

5. Go to your child(ren)'s and grandchildren's functions that you've been asked to attend (weddings, birthdays, recitals, baptisms, etc.) to show your support of the children, even though you may not stand to be near your ex-spouse. It's not about you anymore. Show the children the event is about them and you are in support of the child. It will mean a lot to the child/grandchild. Not showing up to these kinds of functions because you don't want to see your ex-spouse only makes you look selfish and childish, and hurts your child. My father chose not to attend my wedding nor one of my brothers because he didn't want to be around my mother or her family. It has driving a wedge between him and my father, and now they don't speak to each other. My father has three grandchildren he has never met because of the divorce and choosing his new family over his biological family....at least that is how it appears.

6. Try to give the child some time to adjust. Waiting to start dating is really helpful to the child. Divorce is a HUGE adjustment for a child. Dating right away is like adding salt to the wound to the child, in my opinion.

7. Don't quiz your children about what goes on when they go to the other parent's house or when they are with the other parent. If you want to know what personal things are going on with the ex-spouse, then you should have stayed together. You put the children in the position to divulge information that you may want to use against the other parent. If you have safety concerns that is one thing, but if you are just trying to be "nosey", then get over it! My parents have been divorced for 18 years now, and one parent always tries to ask personal questions about my other parent. I don't play into the game, but it makes me upset this parent still tries. I feel like saying, "If you want to know so badly, why didn't you stay married!"

8. Try to understand that during holidays your adult married children have to chose not only between their own parents as well as their in-laws when attending holiday dinners and such. Don't make your adult children feel guilty about not spending a holiday dinner with you. Try to understand that you, the parents, made the chose to divorce, thus creating more difficulties for the adult children.

Thank you!
Anonymous (South Dakota)