Tom:

I read your article "Kids Caught in the Battlefield of Divorce" in the paper and have been carrying it around meaning to send along a bit of info that might be useful to others in a similar situation.

Brief history- married 1985, 3 children of the marriage, 1 child brought from a previous marriage. Divorced in 2003. Children's ages at time of divorce: 22,16,10,3.

We have a full joint custody arrangement for the two youngest children. The 16 year old wanted to remain in the family home with his Dad, and I had "unlimited parenting opportunities to be arranged by the son and Mother". The two youngest girls have a schedule that runs (mostly) every Monday and Tuesday night with Mom. Every Wed. and Thursday night with Dad and the weekends rotate (making 5 day stretches). When we initially separated, I moved three houses away and remained in the same neighborhood to minimize the unsettlement. It proved useful and I remained in my condo until recently.

Another unusual aspect of our divorce is that there's no alimony and no child support. As our incomes are not equal we've equalized the "support of the children" by arriving at an agreement whereby specific costs are covered by each parent. By eliminating the power factor of finances we have found that we are each able to be generous with our care of our children and also enjoy the results of working hard. We spent many hours working to the point of such a delineated agreement and it didn't come easily, but we both clearly loved our children more than we could ever dislike each other. After being married for so long we knew the emotional buttons best avoided.

We took the time to let our children know how much we respected each other and how important it was for them to love the other parent openly. We both have photos of each other in our homes (in our children’s rooms) and we often laugh about things that have happened in our past. Strangely, our youngest daughter has no memory of us married and keeps "inviting me to Dad's house" to see her room. Our older children have been told that relationships change and it was more important for each of us to be open to happiness rather than remaining in a dissatisfying relationship. We have both moved on to deep, committed relationships with other people that our children have formed an attachment to which is no threat to their relationships with us.

Holidays- I have Thanksgiving and Christmas Day and he has Christmas Eve and Easter. We agreed on these easily based on family commitments. We make adjustments to the parenting schedule (neither of us "visits" with our children) as needed. We coordinate vacations, weekend trips, etc. to minimize the impact on the other parent.

We did see counselors individually and saw a couple’s counselor as well. We did try to mediate our divorce, but, ultimately it took two lawyers to pull it all together. We put both addresses, contact numbers, parent names on every document and make our children's schools and social activities aware that we are parenting equally. We arrange to attend all of their functions by "splitting" the responsibility ("you cover this and I'll cover that"). With email, it's fairly easy to accomplish.

All in all, I believe that we have the "best divorce" possible. Our children have not only survived, but seem to have thrived with two parents who have made it clear to them that they are loved and important and cherished.

Good luck on your series, and I hope that I've offered you a bit of a different perspective.

Anonymous (Massachusetts)