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>>> Click Here To Share Your Kid's Funny Stories

PLEASE, GOD, ... As my 5-year-old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that we say a prayer for those who might be hurt. So I pointed to the accident and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's." -- Anonymous

SUPERSTITIONS I was talking to my five and six year olds about superstition and that they aren't true. To prove my point, I gave examples of a few ... step on a crack, break your mother's back & break a mirror and you'll have bad luck. Just then, my 5-year old piped in "but, you would have bad luck if you break a mirror, because you'd get a time-out." -- A.W., Troy, MI.


WRONG POTTY Our 3-year-old daughter, who is fiercely independent, was potty training at the time when my husband and I were shopping at a kitchen and bath store. While we were talking to the salesperson, our daughter wandered off. To my surprise, I found her sitting on a display toilet (that wasn’t hooked up), pants at her ankles, saying, "Mommy, where's the toilet paper?" We were mortified. – Julie Ring, Chesterfield, Mo.


A COOL KID We were all sitting around the dining room table having our dinner when my son, Andy, who was 6 at the time, looked up at us and with the straightest face he could muster and said, "I'm not from around here you know" - Sue Butter, Grand Marais, MN


SPELLING IS HARD My friend Roberta's grandson was bemoaning the difficulties in learning to spell. "You know", he said, "spelling is hard. You get one single letter wrong and the whole word is wrong. They don't give you credit for any of the other letters." He's got a point. - Elaine Ohs, Springfield, MA


"YOU HAVE A FAT TUMMY" My sister-in-law was at the mall with my nephew, 5, and my niece, 4, when they ran into an acquaitance. My niece looked at the woman and said "You have a fat tummy." My sister-in-law was shocked and didn't know what she could say to make amends. My nephew, however, was happy to set his sister straight. "You shouldn't say that," he said. "It's just that she eats too much and doesn't exercise enough." - C.G., Belmont, Calif.


LIGHT SWITCH IN TUMMY
While expecting our second child, my three year old son became inquisitive about my tummy that was now very large. One day, he turned to me with a concerned look on his face and asked, "Mommy, is it dark inside your tummy?" When I answered yes, he asked, "Well then, does she have a light switch?" - Karen Wilkins, Lawrenceville, GA


JESUS During the presidential debates, my 6-year-old daughter said, "Why can't Jesus be president? He doesn't lie and he knows everything!" - Stephanie


TACO BELL This is guaranteed to make anyone who has potty trained a kid laugh! My 3-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training, and I was on him constantly. One day, we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my 7-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any extra clothes with me." Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he insisted. I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse. Soooo, I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?" Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled . . . "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!!" While 20 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified! Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had! Another gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, "Don't worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time. I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did." - Anonymous


WRONG FEET Your newspaper column tip from a grandma about helping kids get their shoes on right, reminded me of my 3-year-old son who put his shoes on wrong. When I said, "You have your shoes on the wrong feet," he replied, "But I don't have any other feet." I love those memories. - Nancy McFarland, Ogden, Utah


WHEN PIGS FLY My husband told our 5-year-old daughter to do something, and she said, "No!" He told her again, and she replied, "When pigs fly!" - Terri


MATT My 2-year-old son attends daycare. One of his friends there is Matt. I asked him what Matt's last name is, and he replied, "Um, MATT COME HERE!" I guess we know who is always getting into trouble. - Jody


SEX TOWNS We were driving through central New Jersey recently when my 8-year-old daughter saw a road sign that read "Exit For Middlesex". She tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Dad, are there towns called Beginning Sex and Ending Sex?" - A.W., East Brunswick, NJ


LATE NIGHT PHOTO My 3-year-old daughter comes to me squirming because she has to use the bathroom, and says "Mommy can you put another light in the bathroom, because the light in there took a picture of me and won't turn back on". (The light bulb blew out.) - A.G., Detroit, MI


I'M HEARING VOICES My 2-year-old nephew, Dustin, and I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things. While we were shopping, a voice came across the store's loud speaker--it was a store clerk asking for a price check. I glanced over at Dustin; he was looking up at the ceiling saying, "What did you say Jesus?" - Debbie Titsworth, Bakersfield, Calif.


NO PICKUPS While driving on the freeway my son read a sign at the truck weigh station that said "No Pickups". He wanted to know why you couldn't pick somebody up there. What if their car broke and they needed a ride? He had never heard the term "Pickup" for a truck. - Cindy Penfield, Cordelia, Calif.

ACCIDENT ON THE SLIDE This is an old story...happened about 30 years ago! Our 4-year-old son, Glen, came in and reported that his friend had fallen off his slide, had hurt his arm and his father had to take him to the hospital...I said, "Oh my goodness, I hope he didn't break his arm!" Glen thought for a minute and replied, "No, it was still on him." -- S.B., Chicopee, Ma.

GRILLED CHEESE OR BOY CHEESE? One day I had taken my 3-year-old twin daughter to a restaurant for lunch. I read her her choices from the menu, one of which was a grilled cheese sandwich. As I was placing the order with the waitress, my daughter was tugging at my sleeve and said, "Mommy, I want the "girl cheese," not the boy cheese. We all had a good laugh and now, when we make lunch, we ask if they want a girl cheese or a boy cheese! -- Theresa Woodgate, Cheboygan, WI.

DRINKING AND DRIVING When my oldest son was 4, my mother was bringing hime home from school. She had just taken a sip of her drink when from the back seat he says "GranMommy, you're gonna get in trouble." She said, "Why?" He said "Cause it's illegal to drink and drive." It was hard to argue with that logic but became funnier when he added "but I guess it would be OK if you had a straw!"- Kimberly Buckhallter, Albany, Ga.

GOD HAS A LADDER One of my 3-year-old grandsons was talking to his mommy about the rainbow in the sky. He thought for a minute and then asked his mommy, "Did God need a ladder to paint the rainbow?" - Donna Lord, Canton, Miss.

MR. ROGERS All of the children in church were gathered around one of the most respected members of our congregation as he presented the children's lesson during the service. He told them that God loved all people: short, tall, thin, fat, with braces or glasses, etc. In a clear, loud voice, my 4 year old said, "He must have learned that from Mr. Rogers!" The whole congregation cracked up. - Roxana Stitt, Peck, Kansas


DADDY FOR PRESIDENT
I was running for the office of president of my local borough council. When my family and I were talking about it, my 5yr old grandaughter, Brooke, asked me if we would move into the White House. - L.A.K., Fredericktown, PA


ERRANDS When my son was around 4 or 5, I invited him to go run some errands with me. With a big "Whoopee," he jumped in the car. He began chattering away, "Is it far away? Will there be toys? When will we get there?" "Where?" I asked him. "At Erin's! Who is Erin anyway, Mom?" - Janet Francom, Napa, California


SCOOTER THE CAT Last night my 4 year-old daughter was looking very pensive. She turned to me thoughtfully and said, "Mom, when Scooter (our cat) goes to Heaven, will he break our ceiling?" - Wendy Mueller, Fullerton, California


A FOLLOWING PERSON When my daughter was in Kindergarten (she is now in the second grade) she asked me one day, "Mommy, am I a following person?" "What is a following person?" I asked. "Well," she replied, "the teacher always says, 'Would the following people please line up,' and she calls my name.
- Randi Beckerman, Sharon, Massachusetts



PRIVATE WORDS My 3 1/2 year-old daughter refused to open her mouth for the doctor to check her throat. Later in the day when I asked her why, she said, "I didn't want him to see my private words!" - Barbara Mechlowitz-Krieger, Jericho, New York


GOLDILOCKS AND 911 I had just finished reading Goldilocks and the 3 Bears to my 6 year old daughter. She looked up at me with a serious face and wanted to know why the 3 Bears didn't call 911 when they saw someone had been in their house. How times have changed! - Nancy Lagano


FEET CONFUSION When my son was about 4 years old, he put his right shoe on his left foot and his left shoe on his right foot. I said, "Danny, you've got your shoes on the wrong feet!" He looked down at his feet, somewhat confused and replied, "No I don't. These are my feet!" - Joan Quinn


BABY OR BIG BOY My son, Matthew, was about two years old when we had gotten him out of the habit of using the bottle. Well, somehow he would get his way at his grandparents and get that bottle. So, to try and reason with him, Grandpa said, "Matt, you are a big boy now; you should drink milk out of a cup." With that Matthew replied, "When I'm at home I'm a big boy, but when I'm here, I'm a baby!" This left Grandpa with a loss for words and told us that he could not argue with logic such as that. - David Oshiro, Alameda, California


BAD TREE Our 1-year-old daughter was fascinated by the lights and ornaments on our Christmas tree. She usually doesn't grab for the ornaments, but a few times I've caught her standing tippy-toed, reaching for them. I always say "No" very sternly and point my finger at her. She gets the point and takes off in the other direction. The other day I walked in and caught her doing it again. She looked at me, and then at the tree, and after a few seconds she pointed her finger at the tree and told it "No.” - Lara Cantor, Powder Springs, Georgia.

 

I was recently trying to determine which one of my children had broken something. Of course, they all answered "I didn't do it!" Later that evening my 6 year old told me that when she grew up and got married she would only have one child. "That way," she said, "I will ALWAYS know who did it."

My 3 year old daughter has learned how to use her own potty, but has not shown any interest in the big toilet. One day I walked into the bathroom and there she was—on the big toilet. I said, "What a big girl!" She replied, "I didn't want to get poopoo in my potty."
-- K. Sheldon, Newbury Park, California.

When my oldest child was 5 years old, I caught him with his hand in the canister of chocolate chips. He was quite surprised when I walked into the kitchen and asked hem what he thought he was doing. He promptly replied, "I was just going to count them for you."
-- Linda McKay, Albuquerque, New Mexico.

My 4 year old step daughter was playing in the same room I was in when I heard a heavy sigh. When I asked her what was wrong, she replied, "Oh, I just didn't know being a real person was going to be so difficult."
-- Kevin Bemis, Tecumseh, Michigan

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