Click Here To Share Your Kid's Funny
PLEASE, GOD, ... As my 5-year-old son
and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a
car accident. Usually when we see something terrible
like that we say a prayer for those who might be hurt.
So I pointed to the accident and said to my son, "We
should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest
request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block
the entrance to McDonald's." --
SUPERSTITIONS I was talking
to my five and six year olds about superstition and
that they aren't true. To prove my point, I gave examples
of a few ... step on a crack, break your mother's back
& break a mirror and you'll have bad luck. Just
then, my 5-year old piped in "but, you would have
bad luck if you break a mirror, because you'd get a
time-out." -- A.W.,
WRONG POTTY Our 3-year-old daughter,
who is fiercely independent, was potty training at the
time when my husband and I were shopping at a kitchen
and bath store. While we were talking to the salesperson,
our daughter wandered off. To my surprise, I found her
sitting on a display toilet (that wasn’t hooked
up), pants at her ankles, saying, "Mommy, where's
the toilet paper?" We were mortified. –
Julie Ring, Chesterfield, Mo.
A COOL KID We were all sitting around
the dining room table having our dinner when my son,
Andy, who was 6 at the time, looked up at us and with
the straightest face he could muster and said, "I'm
not from around here you know"
- Sue Butter, Grand Marais, MN
SPELLING IS HARD My
friend Roberta's grandson was bemoaning the difficulties
in learning to spell. "You know", he said,
"spelling is hard. You get one single letter wrong
and the whole word is wrong. They don't give you credit
for any of the other letters." He's got a point.
- Elaine Ohs, Springfield,
"YOU HAVE A FAT TUMMY" My
sister-in-law was at the mall with my nephew, 5, and
my niece, 4, when they ran into an acquaitance. My niece
looked at the woman and said "You have a fat tummy."
My sister-in-law was shocked and didn't know what she
could say to make amends. My nephew, however, was happy
to set his sister straight. "You shouldn't say
that," he said. "It's just that she eats too
much and doesn't exercise enough." -
C.G., Belmont, Calif.
LIGHT SWITCH IN TUMMY While expecting
our second child, my three year old son became inquisitive
about my tummy that was now very large. One day, he
turned to me with a concerned look on his face and asked,
"Mommy, is it dark inside your tummy?" When
I answered yes, he asked, "Well then, does she
have a light switch?" -
Karen Wilkins, Lawrenceville, GA
JESUS During the presidential debates,
my 6-year-old daughter said, "Why can't Jesus be
president? He doesn't lie and he knows everything!"
TACO BELL This is guaranteed to make
anyone who has potty trained a kid laugh! My 3-year-old
son had a lot of problems with potty training, and I
was on him constantly. One day, we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy,
with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled
something funny, so of course I checked my 7-month-old
daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt
had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him
and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh
Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have
any extra clothes with me." Then I said, "Matt,
are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No,"
he insisted. I just knew that he must have, because
the smell was getting worse. Soooo, I asked one more
time, "Matt, did you have an accident?" Matt
jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread
his cheeks and yelled . . . "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST
FARTS!!!" While 20 people nearly choked to death
on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat
down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified!
Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better when
they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they
had ever had! Another gentleman stopped us in the parking
lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said,
"Don't worry son, my wife accuses me of the same
thing all the time. I just never had the nerve to make
the point like you did."
WRONG FEET Your newspaper column tip
from a grandma about helping kids get their shoes on
right, reminded me of my 3-year-old son who put his
shoes on wrong. When I said, "You have your shoes
on the wrong feet," he replied, "But I don't
have any other feet." I love those memories. -
Nancy McFarland, Ogden, Utah
WHEN PIGS FLY My husband told our 5-year-old
daughter to do something, and she said, "No!"
He told her again, and she replied, "When pigs
fly!" - Terri
MATT My 2-year-old son attends daycare.
One of his friends there is Matt. I asked him what Matt's
last name is, and he replied, "Um, MATT COME HERE!"
I guess we know who is always getting into trouble.
SEX TOWNS We were driving through central
New Jersey recently when my 8-year-old daughter saw
a road sign that read "Exit For Middlesex".
She tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Dad, are
there towns called Beginning Sex and Ending Sex?"
- A.W., East Brunswick,
LATE NIGHT PHOTO My 3-year-old daughter
comes to me squirming because she has to use the bathroom,
and says "Mommy can you put another light in the
bathroom, because the light in there took a picture
of me and won't turn back on". (The light bulb
blew out.) - A.G., Detroit,
I'M HEARING VOICES My 2-year-old nephew,
Dustin, and I went to the grocery store to pick up a
few things. While we were shopping, a voice came across
the store's loud speaker--it was a store clerk asking
for a price check. I glanced over at Dustin; he was
looking up at the ceiling saying, "What did you say
Jesus?" - Debbie Titsworth,
NO PICKUPS While driving on the freeway
my son read a sign at the truck weigh station that said
"No Pickups". He wanted to know why you couldn't
pick somebody up there. What if their car broke and
they needed a ride? He had never heard the term "Pickup"
for a truck. - Cindy Penfield,
ACCIDENT ON THE SLIDE This
is an old story...happened about 30 years ago! Our 4-year-old
son, Glen, came in and reported that his friend had
fallen off his slide, had hurt his arm and his father
had to take him to the hospital...I said, "Oh my
goodness, I hope he didn't break his arm!" Glen
thought for a minute and replied, "No, it was still
on him." -- S.B.,
GRILLED CHEESE OR BOY CHEESE?
One day I had taken my 3-year-old twin daughter
to a restaurant for lunch. I read her her choices from
the menu, one of which was a grilled cheese sandwich.
As I was placing the order with the waitress, my daughter
was tugging at my sleeve and said, "Mommy, I want
the "girl cheese," not the boy cheese. We
all had a good laugh and now, when we make lunch, we
ask if they want a girl cheese or a boy cheese! --
Theresa Woodgate, Cheboygan, WI.
DRINKING AND DRIVING
When my oldest son was 4, my mother was bringing hime
home from school. She had just taken a sip of her drink
when from the back seat he says "GranMommy, you're
gonna get in trouble." She said, "Why?"
He said "Cause it's illegal to drink and drive."
It was hard to argue with that logic but became funnier
when he added "but I guess it would be OK if you
had a straw!"- Kimberly
Buckhallter, Albany, Ga.
GOD HAS A LADDER One
of my 3-year-old grandsons was talking to his mommy
about the rainbow in the sky. He thought for a minute
and then asked his mommy, "Did God need a ladder
to paint the rainbow?" -
Donna Lord, Canton, Miss.
MR. ROGERS All of the
children in church were gathered around one of the most
respected members of our congregation as he presented
the children's lesson during the service. He told them
that God loved all people: short, tall, thin, fat, with
braces or glasses, etc. In a clear, loud voice, my 4
year old said, "He must have learned that from
Mr. Rogers!" The whole congregation cracked up.
- Roxana Stitt, Peck,
DADDY FOR PRESIDENT I was running for
the office of president of my local borough council.
When my family and I were talking about it, my 5yr old
grandaughter, Brooke, asked me if we would move into
the White House. - L.A.K.,
ERRANDS When my son was around 4 or
5, I invited him to go run some errands with me. With
a big "Whoopee," he jumped in the car. He
began chattering away, "Is it far away? Will there
be toys? When will we get there?" "Where?"
I asked him. "At Erin's! Who is Erin anyway, Mom?"
Francom, Napa, California
SCOOTER THE CAT Last
night my 4 year-old daughter was looking very pensive.
She turned to me thoughtfully and said, "Mom, when
Scooter (our cat) goes to Heaven, will he break our
ceiling?" - Wendy
Mueller, Fullerton, California
A FOLLOWING PERSON When my daughter
was in Kindergarten (she is now in the second grade)
she asked me one day, "Mommy, am I a following
person?" "What is a following person?"
I asked. "Well," she replied, "the teacher
always says, 'Would the following people please line
up,' and she calls my name.
- Randi Beckerman, Sharon, Massachusetts
PRIVATE WORDS My 3 1/2 year-old daughter
refused to open her mouth for the doctor to check her
throat. Later in the day when I asked her why, she said,
"I didn't want him to see my private words!"
- Barbara Mechlowitz-Krieger,
Jericho, New York
GOLDILOCKS AND 911 I had just finished
reading Goldilocks and the 3 Bears to my 6 year old
daughter. She looked up at me with a serious face and
wanted to know why the 3 Bears didn't call 911 when
they saw someone had been in their house. How times
have changed! - Nancy
FEET CONFUSION When my son was about
4 years old, he put his right shoe on his left foot
and his left shoe on his right foot. I said, "Danny,
you've got your shoes on the wrong feet!" He looked
down at his feet, somewhat confused and replied, "No
I don't. These are my feet!" -
BABY OR BIG BOY My
son, Matthew, was about two years old when we had gotten
him out of the habit of using the bottle. Well, somehow
he would get his way at his grandparents and get that
bottle. So, to try and reason with him, Grandpa said,
"Matt, you are a big boy now; you should drink
milk out of a cup." With that Matthew replied,
"When I'm at home I'm a big boy, but when I'm here,
I'm a baby!" This left Grandpa with a loss for
words and told us that he could not argue with logic
such as that. - David
Oshiro, Alameda, California
BAD TREE Our 1-year-old daughter was
fascinated by the lights and ornaments on our Christmas
tree. She usually doesn't grab for the ornaments, but
a few times I've caught her standing tippy-toed, reaching
for them. I always say "No" very sternly and
point my finger at her. She gets the point and takes
off in the other direction. The other day I walked in
and caught her doing it again. She looked at me, and
then at the tree, and after a few seconds she pointed
her finger at the tree and told it "No.”
- Lara Cantor, Powder