>> KIDS NEED OUR LOVE WHEN THEY ARE MOST UNLOVABLE

A mother from Omaha, Neb. offered me an insightful parenting tip about teens, yet it applies to every age group, young and old alike: “Sometimes our teens need our love most when they are most unlovable — that is, at times when they act out and get into trouble.” As parents, we often miss this important point. We see the misbehavior, but we rarely think about its driving force. Sometimes the driving force is just plain meanness or an act of testing boundaries imposed by parents. But often it is about something else — an issue at school, a problem with a friend, changes in the family, etc. The possibilities are endless. The term “acting out” describes behavior that has a deeper cause. Parents often react to each inappropriate behavior, one after another, without ever considering that they might all be connected to a single issue.

This mother is reminding us that young children and teens sometimes need our love and understanding even when we don’t feel loving toward them. As a parent, I remember times when I didn’t know whether to hug my children or discipline them. Sometimes I did both. If children show radical and significant changes in their behaviors, there is a good chance that an underlying issue is the cause. Parents would be wise to gently probe their hunches with their child and other adults who could offer insight, such as teachers. Understanding and dealing with the underlying issue often leads to more appropriate behavior from the child.

FOR GOOD TIMES AND BAD When our children entered adolescence, my husband and I told them that we would always be there for them and support them, both in good times and bad. We explained that we might initially be angry upon hearing of a misdeed or problem, but we would get over it. We let them know that we would never turn our backs on them. Families aren't just for the good times, they're for sharing the bad times, too, and kids need to know that — before problems occur. -- Susie A., Mission San Jose, Calif.